FUMAC

Where is Uncle Jessie?

2005-09-18T21:50:00.000-04:00

As you can see, the open casting call for Dukes of Hazzard didn't go so well.

What?

2005-09-18T21:48:00.000-04:00

They're real.

Fill in the Blank!

2005-09-18T21:46:00.000-04:00

"The flowers do nothing for the burning, asshole. And I'm telling your wife about the __________"

Dakota Fanning Turns 11; Enters "Hollywood Substance Abuse" Phase Of Life

2005-06-07T15:02:00.000-04:00

Where is Pauly Shore?

Warning: Being A Raver Will Destroy Any Fashion Sense You Might Have

2005-06-07T13:45:00.000-04:00

Do You Want A Back Rub?

House music is a gateway drug. Don't let this happen to someone you love. Just say no to Ravers.

The More You Know

Pizza Pie Resents Comparisons To Your Cousin Leland's Face

2005-06-07T13:04:00.000-04:00

Why Can't I Just Be Me?
.

Ronald McDonald's Half Sister Found Alive!

2005-06-03T11:42:00.000-04:00

Not Lovin' It

Ten years after being abducted by the Hamburglar, Rhona McDonald, pictured here, came out of hiding to tell her harrowing tale of torture and abuse.

"He snatched me right out of my bed, with my parents sleeping in the next room. He locked me in a spare room and only fed me Burger King fish sandwiches. It was awful."

Ms. McDonald also implicated the Fry Guys and Grimace as conspirators in the plot. "They would come over and laugh at me, rolling all over the apartment. And Grimace, that fat fuck traitor...he was the worst."

After escaping her captors in 2002, Rhona went into hiding, fearful of retribution.

Asked about the allegations, the Hamburglar said "Lies. All lies. She came to me. We were in love. Robble-robble."

Editors note: If you like this story, I highly suggest checking out this link: HERE

Ageless Debate Sparks Brawl

2005-05-10T14:17:00.000-04:00

Chubby Bunny!

Police and paramedics were called to quell a violent brawl at Hoister's Chinese Buffet in Clarence, NY on Monday night. Friends Derrick Winterbottom, left, and Harris Delmonico began debating which animal is the world's hungriest shortly after 7:20 pm said restaurant employees.

"The hippo is obviously the hungriest," claimed Delmonico. "Who hasn't heard of the hungry hungry hippos?"

Winterbottom was quick to maintain that the wolf is hungriest, asking "Why else would Duran Duran immortalize it in such a great fucking song? If Simon LeBont is going to be hungry, it sure as hell wouldn't be like a less hungry animal. He goes right to the top."

Like a virus, the loud debate spread quickly through the crowded restaurant. Nobody is sure exactly what started the brawl, but Winterbottom believes it was ignited by a handful of crab legs thrown in someone's face.

"And then there were eggrolls flying, and chairs going through windows, and friends beating each other with plastic trays. It was badass."

Breasts Stolen Between 3rd and 4th Period

2005-04-26T10:10:00.000-04:00

The Victim

According to police, a pair of breasts were stolen from an 18 year old Clarence High School student yesterday afternoon. Trisha Flawson, shown here, went to school officials shortly after her 4th period French class to report the theft.

"I know I had them in European History because Landon Sulick kept staring, which totally creeped me out. But halfway through the past participle in French, I realized they were gone."

The breasts, described by ex-boyfriend Jon Lutz as a nice C-cup with good curve and "cute" nipples, are still unaccounted for.

Flawson posted several flyers with a picture of the missing breasts in the school cafeteria, but those have been reported stolen as well.

Area Man Almost Ready To Take Over The Earth

2005-03-24T14:21:00.000-05:00

"Beg for my mercy!"

Local resident Jeff Alberston, pictured here, claims to be in the final stages of preparation for his global dominance initiative. Before striking out on his detailed map to "super villainy", Alberston has a few loose ends to tie up.

"I gave my notice to Wegmans yesterday, so that leaves 12 more days before I squash you puny Earthlings like the scum that you are," said Alberston. "Which is good, because I promised my mother that I'd trim the branches overhanging her garage."

Concerning the world domination, Albertson's friends remain skeptical at best. "Jeff's always threatening to disintegrate me or something," claims Justin Buell. "But I'm still here."

Former manager Dennis LeJeune wishes the aspiring evil-doer plenty of luck, "but if it doesn't work out, you'll always have a job in my produce department."

Qaption Qontest Quatro

2005-03-04T15:47:00.000-05:00

Caption this, please.

This should be easy. Real easy.

"This is definitely the best homeless shelter on the West Side."

Historic Sorority Vote Finds That Poor People Are Ugly

2005-03-01T14:19:00.000-05:00

Beat the Ugly!

The Wake Forest University chapter of the Delta Zeta sorority confirmed by a 33-1-1 vote that poor people are uglier than those with money.

Although the vote was nearly unanimous, "We did lots of super scientific testing to confirm our judgement," says Chapter VP Wendy Hornsworth. "I sent the pledges to the parking deck to see who was driving either cars older than 2003 or American cars."

Junior Melanie Waddington was dispatched to the Financial Aid office for secondary proof. "It was like so gross. I had no idea how many poor people were ugly. I'm talking about generic jeans."

The lone dissenting vote came from Sophomore Beth Huddler, described by Hornsworth as, "suspect herself. She's only here for numbers and because she's a legacy and National said we had to take her or else we'd be disqualified from Derby Days." The abstained vote was for Valerie Burns, who is 'taking some time for herself' in Marseilles.

Microsoft Courts Hip Hop Word Processing Market

2005-02-28T17:22:00.000-05:00

Word For Your Brother

"No longer will your dope rhymes be stored on discarded scraps of burlap or toilet paper," said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, addressing the crowd at the first annual Hip Hop Technology and Car Show.

Questioned about the market viability of a hip hop word processing application, Gates replied "Rap is the fastest growing music genre, so teaming it with our Office, I mean, Recording Studio Suite, is simply a no brainer." In his 35 minute presentation, Gates never mentioned that consumers would need a computer to run the application. "We make software, not computers. Not my problem."

Inside sources report that the Redmond, Washington software giant is set to release PowerPimpPoint next month at Snoop Doggy Dogg's daughter's Bat Mitzvah.

So...do you like music?

2005-02-28T12:33:00.000-05:00

Is That A Carrot In Your Pants?

This moment of awkward sexual tension brought to you by twenty nine cans of Miller Genuine Draft, all your friends passing out in the other room, and yearning for human touch but sleeping alone for nine months.

Mens Room

2005-02-26T11:49:00.000-05:00

Mens Room
Originally uploaded by digger3447.

A person expects certain things behind a door like this. Toilet, urinal, sink, and a hand dryer, these are the things we as a society think when we see this door. When I pushed this door open on a calm Tuesday afternoon that is what I expected to see. Toilet, urinal, sink, and a hand dryer, I saw them, but what I saw around them still nauseates me to this day.

The door opens easily enough, inviting me inside to witness the madness that is occurring. In front of the urinal is a gentleman. This is not surprising, men stand in front of urinals, and it is what separates us from the woman (and men with pierced genitalia). He is in mid stream when I enter, I can tell by the sound. Again, all seems right with the world, that is until I noticed some thing peculiar. His pants are around his ankles. "Ankles" you say, indeed, his ankles!!! Why is this stunning? I'll tell you, men have zippers which allow us to excrete urine without removing clothing. Yet, he has removed his pants. An old wrinkled ass stares at me while my jaw drops to the dull blue floor tile. Stunning enough, but does this complete the scene inside, oh no! My boss (dress shoes, suit, tie, and all) is sweeping the floor. Shouldn't the janitor be sweeping the floor? Well, he was too busy combing his hair. Yes, my boss is doing the janitors job while the janitor (while dressed in torn jeans and a dirty old sweatshirt) is concerned about his appearance. Have I entered a parallel universe? Have I hit my head recently? Did someone slip something into my coffee? Just to recap, for my own benefit, man at urinal without pants, boss in suit sweeping bathroom floor, janitor concerned with hair. To no surprise I decide to hold it and attempt to relieve my bladder at a later time. Closing thought... WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED???

Local Fight Club Delays Fighting, Again

2005-02-25T13:54:00.000-05:00

"I've Got The Conch"

For the 17th Saturday in a row, Perry's Fight Club, inspired by the Edward Norton/Brad Pitt movie of the same name, postponed fighting until the next week. Originally founded with 19 members, only six remain.

"Some of the guys were so pumped up about fighting that they weren't willing to put the effort into doing it right the first time," said founder Perry Danville. "I'm of the opinion that without the proper planning, this could end up being a free for all, and someone could get hurt."

Ex-member Steve Santa-Maria was one of the first to go. "They spent five weeks just writing and editing the rules. What the fuck? The rules were right in the movie. Week six was canceled because Perry had promised to take his kid snowboarding. Week seven they wanted to hold elections for officers. I couldn't take it anymore."

Halfway through week 7, Santa-Maria allegedly picked up Treasurer-Elect Rudy DiCosimo and delivered upwards of ten punches to the face before being restrained by other members. Attendance decreased sharply after the incident.

"We can't allow that kind of violence here, not in this Fight Club," said Perry.

Below is a breakdown of the club's activities to date, according to the meeting minutes recorded by Secretary Chuck Fairlawn.

Weeks 1-5: Drafting Club constitution.
Week 6: Cancelled.
Week 7: Elections, ended early due to a fight breaking out.
Weeks 8-9: Reviewing disupted election results.
Weeks 9-10: Cleaning Perry's basement.
Week 11: Car wash fundraiser at Rt 35 Denny's.
Week 12: Helping Perry's wife hang curtain rods.
Weeks 13-15: Re-drafting of Club consitution.
Week 16: Watching Fight Club movie for ideas.
Week 17: Discussion of printing costs for club t-shirts.

Caption Contest 3

2005-02-25T13:19:00.000-05:00

Giddyup!

You all suck! Caption Contest 1 went fairly well, but part deux bombed. The funniest comment was from some random guy. I'll leave part deux open for another day or two, but in the meantime, let's get going on 3! It has some potential.

"Seabiscuit's personal hell."

How Canadians Spend Time Sans Hockey

2005-02-25T08:51:00.000-05:00

Canadians in a local pub

Canada. The word evokes many images. Martin Short, Smarties made with chocolate, Loblaws, and above all, hockey.

Canada's national sport/religion has been missing from the country's topography, at least at the professional level, for over a year. Since the National Hockey League Players went on strike last year, Canadians have been left with little to do.

"I spend my time walking up and down Yonge Street, eating poutine," said Gord McRoberts of Missasauga, Ontario. "Hey, there's not much to do," quipped Marty McKenzie of Hamilton, Ontario, "so I spend my time watching CTV."

This lack of a national pastime has created a sense of anomie amongst Canadians. University of Guelph psycology professor, Larry McDaniels, opined that most Canadians are depressed, and many have turned from drinking Labatts to harder liquor, such as The Famous Grouse.

Bonds shuns injecting human hormones, ingests humans directly

2005-02-25T00:12:00.000-05:00

Chow time
Originally uploaded by mlkish.

San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds has admitted to swallowing small children whole to get bigger. Bonds, who has publicly denied using human growth hormones, felt the announcement would finally put to rest the growing suspicion that he has been "juiced" over the last few seasons. "Let's see if Jose Canseco has this in that rag he's written. No, he doesn't. If he knows so much about me, why isn't this in there? I think this really calls in question the kind of person he is." Bonds remarked.

beer

2005-02-24T10:23:00.000-05:00

beer
Originally uploaded by digger3447.

I'm letting my freak flag fly!!!

Happy Holiday!

2005-02-24T10:02:00.000-05:00

My Flag

I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I think I like it. That's right, it's Flag Day again.

Here is my flag. And these colors don't run...because it's monochrome.

jersey

2005-02-24T09:55:00.000-05:00

jersey
Originally uploaded by digger3447.

I love New Jersey... that is all I'm saying!!!

Livin' On a Prayer....

2005-02-23T23:31:00.000-05:00

Jersey Girls T-Shirt .

The greatest t-shirt ever. DiGaudio knows what I'm talking about.

I might be in dutch with the wife after this one...

Speak Up, White Devil

2005-02-23T23:14:00.000-05:00

Black Power!

This is my first writing since the untimely death, nay suicide, of a great author, Hunter S Thompson. It is high time that I remount the keyboard and get back to doing what I do best...highlight reel dunks over Joe Boyd! Okay, maybe that's a lie. But this is important.

I'm sick of white people feeling the need to whisper when they say something that could be construed as bigoted. For example, "The demographic composition of Buffalo's East Side is largely black." By whispering black, they feel that they are being sensitive to the racial problems in our nation. If you have the moxie to say it, then say the whole damn thing out loud.

Or what about: "We saw a lot of gays in Key West." No shit. You make it sound like you spotted a bald eagle nesting in your walk-in-closet. I realize that the average suburban white paranoid would have a harder time knowing if there was a homosexual in their company than an African-American. So bringing down their volume on the "sensitive" word makes them feel slightly safer, yet announces to the world that they are completely scared of modern diversity.

Lastly, I would have a better understanding (not sympathy) if the "sensitive" word in question was truly offensive, like the N-Bomb or coloreds or rump-stuffers. It's best to avoid these terms altogether, yet if you must, quietly is better than loudly. If you have the ignorance to speak like this in public, you deserve the grisly death at the hands of an angry mob that's coming after you. Peace.

We Have A Winner

2005-02-23T22:50:00.001-05:00

To The Victor

Congratulations to Mr. Tony Splagola for winning the first caption contest. Scroll down if you don't remember. I'm not repeating it here. I'm just not.

Anyways, Tony won by a narrow margin, even though he forgot to cast a vote. Here is your prize
----------------->
A wonderful Chicken Parm from Areola's Eye-talian restaurant on Transit Rd in Depew.

Girls proves bad aim theory

2005-02-22T13:54:00.000-05:00

Camera Man Shot
Originally uploaded by digger3447.

Reporter Steve Eagan was shot early Monday morning at a competition at the convention center. The photo shown was his last picture taken before a bullet pierced his left testicle. Eagan is in fair condition at ECMC. The competition was held to prove that teenagers have the same accuracy as adults when it comes to assault rifles. The group Teens in the Trenches (TiT) is advocating that the legal age for military service be lowered to 15. Amanda Barnes member of TiT proved this theory wrong in a bloody horrifying manor. The target was located more then a body length to the right of Eagan's right shoulder. To her credit, Barnes continued firing and struck the target on the next 5 of 9 shots. When reached for comment Eagan could only grunt and mumble "My balls... I can't believe you shot my balls!" No reporter has contacted Barnes, it is speculated that she is still holding the loaded rifle.

Announcement

2005-02-22T13:23:00.000-05:00

success
Originally uploaded by digger3447.

In a bizarre contest to prove himself, Mr. DiGaudio was forced to run the 100 meter dash in full business attire to clinch his promotion. "I knew I would win, I just wanted it more," said a winded DiGaudio. "I tried to trip him at the starting line, but he jumped over my brief case," huffed the cheating competitor Mr. Care. "Despite Mr. Care's best attempts, I start my new position on March 7th and will be transferred to the downtown office," gleamed DiGaudio. Please join me in congratulating our will dressed winner.

You Will Be Missed

2005-02-21T00:58:00.000-05:00

Bad news. Very bad news. Hunter S Thompson shot himself earlier tonight. The Good Doctor has gone and left us to struggle ahead without his insane guidance. I've read almost all of his work and he is one of the stronger influences on my own writing. Reading his "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" for the first time is like seeing a movie with a great ending; you'll only remember the first impression. "The Rum Diaries" is a fantastically underrated novel. And "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail: 72" is quite long, but worth the read for the many priceless observations which came from one of the most influential presidential campaigns in modern history.
Good luck Dr. Thompson. Earth was never ready for you; lets see if the afterlife is.

Cupid On Record Setting Bender

2005-02-18T13:04:00.000-05:00

Like Johnny Depp In A Hotel Room

Every year, Cupid takes the week after Valentines Day to unwind and de-stress. This year, friends say, he is on a Courtney Love type bender and hasn't let off the gas since Tuesday morning.

"He came home, crashed for a few hours, then at like ten in the morning, he was at the kitchen table blowing rails off of a Captain Crunch box," said roommate The Tooth Fairy. "Last year we went out and got hammered the night after, but that was just one night."

The hardcore partying hasn't stopped since. "Booze, coke, pot, Darvocet, meth, and some shrooms," reported the annoyed Fairy. "And I don't know what happened after I went to work. He brought home a few girls, which is really easy for him, and they were still screaming and yelling when I got back this morning. I work nights, goddammit. Every night. Not this 'I work really hard one day a year shit'. Cupid, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny: they can all blow me."

As of Friday morning, Cupid has been awake just over 72 hours. Concerned friends urged him to at least take a nap, but Cupid only replied with "You don't know me," repeated several hundred times.

Caption Contest Part Deux

2005-02-18T12:39:00.000-05:00

"Your Witty Remark Here"

The winner for the first contest will be announced after tallying the votes. The field was small, so everyone has a good chance.

On to the next caption contest. I'll start:

"You can rent this here piece of heaven for just $1800 a month, plus parking. Welcome to New Jersey."

Clown Part 1

2005-02-18T12:30:00.000-05:00

Creepy

Please don't. Seriously, back up. Back up more. Where's my gun?

Target Reaches Market Saturation

2005-02-16T22:20:00.000-05:00

Bullseye!

After opening the 240th Target Department store in the Netherlands, pictured here, the retailing giant achieved total market saturation in the Northern-European nation.

Wal-Mart, the universally acknowledged "greatest retailer in the galaxy" and "right hand of Satan himself" announced plans to purchase every star that shines over Europe and slipcover them with their Smiley-Face logo.

K-Mart was too busy wallowing in the feces of its mismanagement to comment.

Light Petting Quitting the Sex Game

2005-02-16T22:06:00.000-05:00

Light Petting in Action

Sources close to the Petting family report that Light Petting is retiring from the sex game effective immediately. The unnamed insider said that "Light has been living in the shadow of his older brother, Heavy Petting, for way too long. It's time to move on."

Heavy Petting has enjoyed a nearly 12:1 advantage in market share over its sibling, mostly because nobody knows what Light Petting really means.

Light Petting will continue to work part time in the house cat petting arena, where it has enjoyed tremendous success.

Man files discrimination suit against ESPN

2005-02-16T16:48:00.000-05:00

full-4-0
Originally uploaded by millz88.

ESPN has found itself the subject of a discrimination lawsuit. Inside sources report that Jack Reid of Montpelier, Vermont, was displeased with ESPN's decision to not air the recently taped "Dream Job" series titled, "Flapjack Analyst."

"Flapjacking is a sport. It takes hand-eye coordination to flip a pancake inside a 10 inch skillet," Reid protested. "I'm sick of all these nay-sayers telling us that flapjacking is not an official sport," the pancake enthusiast explained to a small group of reporters.

ESPN legal expert, Dennis Johnson, was quoted as saying, "This lawsuit is completely unfounded."

Early rumors have indicated that ESPN will settle with Reid, prior to the February 22nd court date.

Jesus Saves?

2005-02-16T16:35:00.000-05:00

jesus-saves
Originally uploaded by digger3447.

Goodenow and Bettman unable to reach agreement.

Sources close to the NHLPA and Owners Association are reporting that Goodenow and Bettman have signed a deal with the devil to eliminate National Hockey League indefinitely. Cardinal Louis-Nazaire BÃ©gin, of Canada, commented "You see eh, God can't intervene in a pack with the devil. That is against de rules, in a round aboot way." As of yet it is unclear as to what Bettman and Goodenow are receiving in the contract. The only thing that is clear is that Jesus will be hanging up the skates until this situation can be resolved.

Average Women Back In Style, Report Says

2005-02-16T05:58:00.000-05:00

"The bar has been lowered," according to Professor Norton

A report by University of California, Santa Barbara, professor Steven Norton, says that average looking women are increasingly finding mates.

Professor Norton collected 300 photographs of women in the Santa Barbara area in 1995. He rated each woman's looks on a scale of 1-10 (1 being absolutely heinous, and 10 being very very hot). The professor then asked the women whether or not they were married. He discovered that most married women were usually a 5.2 rating.

Professor Norton repeated his experiment last month, and found-out (to his suprise), that most married women in the Santa Barbara area were only a 4.3 rating. This result came as a suprise to the professor, since all indicia of popular culture point towards increasing importance being placed on a woman's looks.

"I think a confluence of factors has created this result. First, the economomy isn't as good today as it was in 1995. This has many many trickle-down effects."

Professor Norton's report can be found in this month's edition of the Jorunal on Science and Aesthetics.

Family Party Goes From Bad To Worse

2005-02-15T13:37:00.000-05:00

Is it like a Boston Steamer?

The Solesson family party took a dramatic turn from "insufferably boring" to "excruciatingly awkward" when Grandma Louise, pictured here, overheard her grandson Ryan Solesson, 18, suggest to his younger brother Jason, 15, that he 'Dirty Sanchez' himself.

"Dirty Sanchez? What are you talking about?" she yelled, causing complete silence in the room.

"I prayed for instant death," Ryan admitted, later adding "hers, not mine."

Cousin Sarah feigned total ignorance and Ryan's mother, Barb, couldn't contain her giggles and had to be excused.

The agony was protracted by Grandma Louise's extensive search through the Unabridged Oxford English Dictionary, which ultimately proved fruitless.

Football Killing Stumps Investigators

2005-02-15T13:18:00.000-05:00

Tragedy Strikes Again

Early this morning, emergency services rushed to the scene of a grisly homicide. Adidas CEO Herbert Hainer was crushed to death when a giant football fell on his BMW, compacting his body into teeny, tiny pieces.

There are no suspects as of yet. Police are baffled.

Coworker's Cubicle Zoo No Longer Amusing

2005-02-15T08:36:00.000-05:00

Creatures From Accounting

Accounts payable clerk John Delpino released a statement to the entire department Monday afternoon, in which he declared that his coworker, Julie Hallendale, and her cubicle zoo have become too annoying for words.

Onlookers described Delpino as both "sweaty" and "agitated" during his eleven minute rant. "He made a pretty decent flow chart marking the points where Julie and her little plastic animals went from tolerable to intolerable over the fourth quarter of last year. I was sold," says office manager Len Gryzb.

Critics, however, charge that Hallendale's drastic downward plunge in "worth" coincided exactly with the drunken holiday party "where she wouldn't let John grope her breasts despite the triple-dog-dare."

Telemarketing Pays Off in $6.6 Billion Sale: Kid Who Made Call Bumped to $11.15/hr

2005-02-14T22:55:00.000-05:00

Another One Bites the Dust

After nearly 11 months of constant phone calls, MCI agreed to a $6.6 billion buyout from Verizon Wireless.

"It was unprecedented. They called every day at 8am sharp. Then they'd call at dinner too," moaned MCI as it apparently did not like a taste of its own medicine.

"How many times do I have to hear it? 'We're calling from Verizon to ask if you're satisfied with your current ownership' at least ten times a day." MCI reportedly tried altering its dinner schedule so it and its subsidiaries could eat in peace. The gambit failed. "They were relentless. Finally we said 'fuck it', if it will end these calls, let's change ownership."

No word yet as to how MCI is dealing with the 884 pieces of SPAM email in its Yahoo! mail account.

McDonald's Endorses New Meat: Chimaera!

2005-02-14T21:50:00.000-05:00

A Chimaera Pup: mmm mmm delicious!

McDonald's unveiled its newest fishy sandwich treat yesterday, and many fans of the fast food chain are already lining up. The new sandwich, "The McChimaera," contains a deep fried piece of Chimaera meat, on top of special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun.

Not familiar with the Chimaera? You're not alone. This deep-sea cartilaginous fish, with its smooth-skinned tapering body and whiplike tail, is indiginous to various European coasts.

McDonald's President, Ralph Alvarez, unveiled the new sandwich at a press conference yesterday. Alvarez commented, "The Chimaera is absolutely delicious. It's tender, juicy, and cooks in less than 30 seconds. The meat behind it's third lung is my favorite. Very very tasty."

During the press conference, Alvarez also released a new commercial advertising the McChimaera. The commercial introduces a new character into the catalogue of McDonald's greats, such as Grimace and the Fry Guys. The new character, the "Chimurgler" -- a cantankerous individual not unlike the already-popular Hamburgler -- steals kids' McChimaeras with his quick fingers and seductive ways.

The McChimaera will be found in select McDonald's restaurants on March 13.

First Weekly FUMAC Caption Contest!!!

2005-02-14T20:03:00.000-05:00

Can you do better?

"Are you still feeling bad about sleeping with my father?"
"Yeah...."
"You should, you slut."

Now it's your turn! Use the COMMENTS button below to add your caption to the fray. A winner will be announced sometime Friday.

White House To Increase Pressure On North Korea; Must Take Away Ebay

2005-02-14T14:39:00.000-05:00

"I got it on eBay!"

Since narrowly avoiding the Lame Duck entree this November, George Bush and his White House Gang (mostly comprised of Marky Mark's ill-fated Funky Bunch), have sought to clamp down on the renegade republic of North Korea. They feel the key step in their "full court press" is to take away North Korea's eBay privileges.

Kim Jong Il and Co. have been active members of the eBay community since 2001, where they currently hold Gold Power-Seller status. Washington believes that the 'evil' dictator is making 80-90% of his income from eBay transactions. "Guns, missiles, DVD's, and porn. Lots of porn," says Vice President Cheney. "Have you seen what he charges for shipping? They must be laughing all the way to the bank, if they had a bank, which they don't, because they're commie bastards."

eBay administrators have resisted Washington's requests to cancel North Korea's membership, or even to rescind their Power-Seller status. One eBay director replied, "they ship fast, they pay promptly, and their feedback is excellent. Our hands our tied."
Real Story

Andy Rooney Redux

2005-02-13T21:36:00.000-05:00

Andy Rooney Back on the Job

Famous 60 Minutes cynic, Andy Rooney, just turned 7, an Arizona newspaper reports.

Rooney, known for his 30 years of Sunday night diatribes, recently underwent massive gene therepy to literally turn back the hands of time.

In a recent interview in Gene Weekly, Rooney explained, "I was writing a monologue on why people call scissors a 'pair' when they're really never a pair, when it hit me: I am really becomming irrelevant. So I did what any normal person would do -- I decided to take God head on and revert back to myself as a 7 year old child. I figure in a few years I'll be 16, and then Mike Wallace will no longer be seen as 'the hot one.' Damn him! Damn him to hell!"

Rooney, who just completed his gene therepy under the watchful eyes of geneologist Dr. Kevin MacAvoy in Tempe, Arizona, says he feels great and expects to be back on the job ranting and raving about inconsequential subjects anytime soon.

Chicken Kiev? No, Just a Lot of Dough.

2005-02-13T20:39:00.000-05:00

Orange Fever Grips New York

Throngs of New Yorkers packed into Central Park this weeked to partake in the first Orange Revolution Festival.

The "Orange Revolution," made famous by the orange colored scarves worn by Ukranians after communist president Victor Yanukovych's election last year and the subsequent election of pro-West Victor Yushchenko, was Vanity Fair's #2 story of 2004 right behind the rise of Outkast's catchy tune "Hey Ya."

"Orange Fever" spread to the United States at the end of last year, culminating in Mayor Michael Bloomberg's installation of over 7,500 orange scarves in Central Park. The scarves, each of which are 20 feet tall and drape 8 feet of orange fabric, line all 10 miles of Central Park's famous jogging paths.

While revelry filled the masses, many New Yorkers' criticized the city for footing the bill on such a celebration. Reports indicate that the total cost of the project is a whopping $6,798,453.

"I can't believe this," said Hank Grabowski, of Flushing, New York, "New York ain't got hold of the A and C Train running on time, and they go ahead and do dis. Are dey brainless?" Other New Yorkers like Maury Bernstein of the Upper West Side, however, love the celebration, saying "I wish they did more things like this in the city. It takes me back to the days of Woody Allen, Simon and Garfunkle in Central Park, and when H&H bagels were really good."

The exhibit will be running through the end of this month.

The Status of Buffalo Sports - An Editorial

2005-02-13T18:27:00.000-05:00

With all of the recent discussion in the world sports scene about the resurgence of some cities that have a long history of losing in sports, such as Boston and Philadelphia, I would like to bring the attention back to the city that has and will always chant "wait for next year" - Buffalo, New York.

Some people may say, "But what about the mid '90s dynasty of the Buffalo Bandits in Indoor Lacrosse" or "The Buffalo Bison have won a few titles." But I say "No. No!"

The lovable losers of Buffalo were put onto celluloid by Vincent Gallo in "Buffalo '66", recreating probably the most infamous moment of Buffalo sports history, now known simply as Wide Right. Luckily most people don't watch Vincent Gallo movies, but there are so many other moments like that, including No Goal and the Music City Miracle. This is a city that lost it's professional basketball team and could not get a Major League Baseball team in the '90s when it seemed like MLB was giving any town a team. And most people don't know that the University of Buffalo actually shut down the athletic department in the '70s, a decision that the University is still trying to fight back from (Does anyone know how many times the Bulls have been ranked dead last by Sports Illustrated in their Pre-Season College Football issue?). How painful is it that Tampa Bay and Dallas, two cities that do not even know how to spell ice, have Stanley Cup championships and Buffalo does not?

But it seems like recently, most of talk about Buffalo area sports talk is about discretions not even happening on the playing field. First, the beloved O.J. Simpson was accused of murder. Then St. Bonaventure had the recruiting scandal over a basketball player who had a welding certificate (what is that?) from some community college in Georgia. More recently, and probably the most tragic, the NHL lockout has had long range economic ramifications for small business owners in downtown Buffalo. And today, Buffalo Sabres' defenseman Henrik Tallinder was accused of rape in Sweden. It doesn't matter that pretty much no one knows who Henrik Tallinder is, but it makes me ask the questions when is all of this going to end? When can Buffalo go back to just losing in heartbreaking fashion and we can all talk about how all of the losses build character in all of the citizens of this great frost-bitten city?

Just a thought ...

Dogs safe... for now

2005-02-11T12:45:00.000-05:00

test complete
Originally uploaded by digger3447.

After receiving a nasty letter from PETA the military decided to test the new device discussed earlier. "There is no way any dog, even an Afghani dog, would drink out of this toilet." Said Airman Bronze after gagging on the explosive substance. On a related topic the toilet will flush.

California Schoolchildren Forced to Wear Radio Tags; Invisible Fence To Be Installed Monday

2005-02-11T12:26:00.000-05:00

Sutter, CA

Parents and civil libertarians in Sutter, California, are in an uproar over the school's decision to make children wear radio identifying tags at all times to track their attendance and, potentially, movement. Principal Earnie Graham says "Wait until they hear about the invisible fence. Whoa doggy they are going to be pissed."

In effort to 'Trump Truancy', as displayed on the Donald Trump Anti-Truancy poster in Graham's office, the invisible fence will be activated at precisely 8:45 each morning, effectively trapping all students on school grounds. Normally reserved for canine use, anyone trying to exit the property receives a non-lethal electric shock which will incapacitate the offender.

Whether this shock is harmful to children Graham mused, "Prohibitive. That's a good word for it. They'll think twice next time."

Ironically, any student late to school cannot safely enter, thus proving the fence is more likely to increase truancy. To this Principal Graham quipped: "Well the non-refundable deposit is on my credit card. If I pull the plug now the school board might not reimburse me, and I need that money. I'm trying to buy a boat."
REAL STORY

Blogging Success

2005-02-11T12:10:00.000-05:00

Cheering

One small key stroke for a computer geek, one giant hack job for blogging. Cindy Pray cheers on as photos are finally allowed on blogging web site. "I've been waiting for this day for so long. My blog page is like my only son." Cindy, mother of 3 boys, found early this morning a way to incorporate pictures to her already nationally recognized blogspot. Congratulations Cindy, now get to work.

Training Facility 2

2005-02-11T11:56:00.000-05:00

Military
Originally uploaded by digger3447.

The Army ROTC has created a new weapon for the war on terror. "The Middle East is known for its out-of-date bathroom facilities" says Lt. Gen. Dax seen here demonstrating the new weapon for his platoon. President Bush has enacted its new 'Flush Out Terror' campaign. A massive recruitment effort is underway to find skilled plumbers to become independent contractors in countries such as Iraq and Afghanistan. These contractors would install state of the art toilets that could be hooked up to local oil wells. Instead of the water-flushed toilets we take for granted here in the states, these thrones of destruction will flush with gasoline. A kill switch is connected to the ball cock leading off of the flushing handle. If a known terrorist were to flush the toilet, a sensor on the handle would trip the switch creating a massive explosion. A valid question was raised during the conference by Petty Officer O'Neil, "Wont the terrorist smell the gasoline?" At which the Ltd. Gem. Responded "The stench of their own stinky skin will over power any smell of gasoline." he added "We are going to make those smelly bastards pay." The Army would like to enact the new offensive within the next 6 months. Paul Wolfowitz joined the conference via video phone and address the troops. "...Let's see how they like OUR dirty bomb." The conference ended with a nearly seven minute standing ovation.

Frustration mounting

2005-02-11T11:02:00.000-05:00

Local blogger found swinging from rafters. Note pinned to body reading "can't find 'blog this button'." Picture unavailable.

Ribbon Makers Release 2Q Earnings Forecast

2005-02-11T10:42:00.000-05:00

Bread and Butter Market

RibbonTek, the nation's leading producer of magnetic ribbons, projected a rosy forecast for second quarter earnings. The company, located in Parsippany NJ, employees 144 people in design, production, testing, packing, and front office.

"We can shoot out upwards of forty thousand of these puppies a day," claims CEO Clint Mavry, former owner/operator of LawnTek Landscaping. "There are ribbons for every cause imaginable, even obscure diseases like breast cancer. And we think up new ones every day." He later added, "new ribbons, not new diseases."

To date, RibbonTek has manufactured close to 110 million magnetic ribbons. When queried about the finite number of cars on the road, Mavry countered by pointing out the size of the average vehicle is increasing faster than ever. "Have you seen the Nissan Pathfinder Armada? One of them could keep us busy for weeks."

Asked about the "fad" quality of the ribbons, Mavry responded "This bubble ain't never gonna burst. I'm hiring an office masseuse."

Wall Street reacted to the RibbonTek news as expected: "What the fuck is RibbonTek?"

Local Man Realizes He Is Dating A "Superfreak"

2005-02-11T10:15:00.000-05:00

She's super-freaky, yow

Local resident Drew Henman is slowly coming to grips with the idea that he is dating a Superfreak, say friends. The Superfreak, Allison Marsh, shown here playing strip poker, claims that she just likes "having a good time," but Henman is starting to pull away.

"At first I was so into her. We had a blast for those couple weeks. Now I'm seeing the signs more clearly," he said.

Henman's roommate, Josh Litmann, thinks that the writing has been on the wall since the beginning. "I mean come on, she likes the boys in the band for christsake."

For his birthday last week, Marsh set up a romantic evening including incense, wine and candles. "Such a freaky scene," Henman remarked.

After much prodding, Henman finally admitted in a flood of tears that "she's the kind you don't take home to mother."

Negligent Nanny Fired

2005-02-11T09:33:00.000-05:00

Shanghai Marathon Gone Wrong

A yet-to-be-identified nanny for the wealthy parents of these Shanghai sextuplets was given a pink slip and a savage beating after mistakenly putting the infants down for a nap in the path of an oncoming marathon.

Thankfully, race leader Charles Wei, shown here leaping gracefully, was the first to reach the sextuplets and managed to clear the gaggle of babies with relative ease, citing his steeplechase experience as the critical skill. "Now you know what those water pits on the track are for...they're to save lives."

Asia's Population Density Reaches Critical Mass

2005-02-11T08:53:00.000-05:00

Large Taiwanese Apartment

Efforts to discourage breeding in East Asian nations prove unsuccessful in stemming the rapid growth rate. It has become so bad that some governments like Taiwan, pictured here, have resorted to stacking people horizontally to save space.

The Taiwanese President, Chen Shui-bian, thinks the move will buy him some time to "really think this one through." He currently works and lives in a 3 foot by 4 foot space in the Presidential palace but is being criticized by opponents for living in such "luxury."

"Something has to give soon," he said. "We've made a cash offer to purchase Idaho, but it's so up in the air."

Idaho governor Dirk Kempthorne says the offer is "tempting, but most Idahoans are a teensy bit skeptical of a cash and carry sale to a foreign republic. And I haven't had time to look into the federal laws on this sort of thing."

Pope Discharged From Hospital; Already Misses the Jell-O

2005-02-10T14:31:00.000-05:00

I decree this convention to be "kickass"!

The Pope, pictured here visiting the Fantasy Football convention in Las Vegas last month, was released from the hospital where he was treated for a respiratory ailment. Doctors, fearing the Eternal Damnation promised by the Pope's handlers, worked round the clock to get the Pontiff back in shape for NASCAR season.

"There is just over a week until he's scheduled to wave the green flag at Daytona," said Bernie Grulman, His Holiness' agent. "We can't afford to miss that kind of exposure."

While the Pope himself declined to comment, sources insdide his "exempt-from-Earthly-laws" palace said that the Pope is "eager to get back to breathing again. He wants to do some light shopping and he doesn't want to reschedule his charity match with tennis star Andy Roddick."

NASCAR officials are eagerly awaiting the Papal return to the impoverished Southeastern region where his T-shirt sales are in a solid tie for second place with Robby Gordon. On his chances of catching Dale Jr, one insider was blunt: "Not a chance in Heaven. Or Darlington."
Real Story

Episode 3

2005-02-10T13:03:00.000-05:00

Episode 3

As the sun rises on the east coast the office becomes alive with activity. Our hero, the Hammer, who is still groggy having not yet consumed his first cup of coffee, begins his day by checking his email. As he eases himself into his chair, he notices something does not feel right. His chair has been tampered with. He quickly re-adjusts, comforting himself into a false sense of security. He gazes out over his cubicle wall realizing his name plate that sits patiently on top of the wall waiting to be read is missing. “What is happening here?” He asks himself. Without looking, the hammer reaches for his lower right hand drawer. He gives it a quick tug and feels inside for his thinking medicine (starburst). He feels only the walls of the drawer scrape his bare knuckle. He removes his eyes from the entrance of his cubicle and fixes them curiously on his empty drawer. The drawer slams shut as the hammer spins his chair. Before the chair can settle to a stop he grabs his favorite cup. The ‘Jorvic Viking Centre’ cup, a gift from Luigi to the hammer purchased during one of Luigi’s adventures to strange and exotic lands. The cup that our hero holds so dear, the cup that was dry last he checked, the cup that typically is used to contain Columbia’s finest dark brew has a strange transparent liquid at the bottom of it. Thoughts begin to race around our hero’s mind. Systematically he begins a sweep of his space looking for any suspicious activity. “This should be over there, and that should be here.” He mumbles under his breath. He turns on the radio hoping for peaceful sounds to sooth his mind. “Ah, this will hel… WHAT!!! Country music, but I never list…” The hammer pauses. A smile creeps across his face. “The gum is gone.” The gum that stood triumphantly mocking his greatest nemesis. He rises from his seated position and strides to the main corridor. He looks up and down the corridor. The air conditioner rumbles to life blowing frigid air over his shoulder. “My old friend ‘The Child’ has struck, but she shall rue the day!” He takes a deep breath of the freshly chilled air. “I shall make you pay… for I am ‘The Hammer!!!’”

To be continued…

blog?

2005-02-10T09:48:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I've been enjoying reading these "blogs" that everyone's been posting, so I thought that I would join in on the fun. I don't really fully understand how a blog "works," so I'll try my best to learn from the "experts." It's really interesting some of the trials and tribulations that you all go through every day. Well I hope to put forth a better effort on my second "blog," but this will have to suffice for now....

Leather Wrapped Throne

2005-02-09T16:06:00.000-05:00

The sun rises over the ledge of the window. The rays reach my forehead and slowly creep down towards my eyes. My eyes are fixed on the window attempting to force the sun back from where it came. Despite my best efforts the rays reach my eyes causing me to recoil in disgust. With a huff I pull the covers up over my head and flip the covers off my body to the floor. The breeze chills my skin. I pull myself to a seated position and stare at my alarm clock at the head of the bed. I failed at preventing the sun from entering, but I know if I concentrate I can resist the alarm from sounding. Obnoxiously the alarm rings as if to mock me and my feeble attempts to stop it. I slap sternly at the ‘OFF’ button showing who is in charge. I don’t fully awake until the cold water patters against my goose bumped skin. I think to myself that I can’t handle another day of crime fighting today. I begin to lather when I realize that the commercials have lied to me, calgan can not take me away. After my shower I strap on my crime fighting attire. Slacks, socks, wing tips, and a shirt make up my uniform. Over, under, threw, around, down, and tighten. I secure my cape worn vertically down the center of my torso. Today’s cape is a baby blue with white and dark blue stripes crisscrossing down it. My commute to my crime fighting office is an uneventful 30 minutes, same as any other day. The sounds of the morning radio show waft around my head. The words are unable to penetrate the force field around my ears. I don’t hear anything except my thoughts of nothing. Down shift followed by up shift followed by breaking repeat. This day feels like the past forty three and one half days. I arrive to my building, a one floor building tucked back in a business park away from the public’s eye. If a tree fell, not only would no one here it, no one would ever find it. I look forward to the little pleasures that await me, these are the things that keep me awake and distract me from wanting to swing from the rafters. One of my favorite little pleasures is my leather-wrapped throne. There are only two of these in the office. My throne is black with high padded arms. It also is equipped with a high back for support, and is dawned with a pillow for my head. It equals my rocking chair at my domicile for comfort. Imagine my anger when I discover in it’s a place a rocker-less, leather-less, arm-less, and comfort-less monstrosity in its place. The back of this so-called chair is ripped and faded with use. The wheels at the bottom… well, there are no wheels at the bottom. Instead it sits on two long hard plastic skids. Was I not supposed to notice that my Leather-Wrapped Throne had been replaced by a common everyday cafeteria chair? Have the inhabitants of this building underestimated the astute senses of The Hammer? Don’t they realize that my super butt will feel the difference between these two incomparable objects? Before I morn for my lost possession I must find the evildoers and bring them to justice… my kind of justice. I slap on my ass kicking face and begin my scan of the premises. Not there, not there, wait… no, not there either. The sweep is producing no results. Could the chair have been taken off the grounds? Possibly, but not without witnesses. I remove my ass kicking face and affix in its place my scary interrogator’s face. I must turn up the heat and find the culprit threw a series of several tricky questions. “Have you seen my chair?” I say loud enough for several people to hear. No’s come from all directions. My heart sinks. I may never find my one true love again. I begin my slow motion drop to my knees. Once there I plan on looking to the sky and demanding that God answer my question, “Why have you forsaken me?” Before my knees reach the point of no return, 45 degrees, I’m interrupted. “Are you looking for this?” comes a voice from down the corridor. To me this voice is along the same lines as nails on a chalk board. I don’t turn. I just drop my head and fight the shudder running through my bones. “Maybe.” I say trying to contain my anger. I turn knowing which figure will be standing there as I complete my 180 degree rotation. My head lifts with my eyes closed. The lids of my eyes crack allowing the florescent light of the overhead bulbs in. The hazy figure before me is none other then Dr. Sensible Shoes. Three individuals cross between us discussing some conflicting figures on a report. Poor people, they don’t know of the unavoidable battle about to take place. My eyes never leave the mulleted foe twenty yards ahead. I begin my slow march towards him… I mean her. I hope one day I can look as masculine as she looks at this moment. But, I can’t let him… I did it again… I mean her sense my fear. The color of today’s sensible shoe is white. After the verbal slaughter I plan to inflict upon her I hope to change them to a damaged black hue. I square myself off and stand eye to… well her eyes are at about belly button height with me. From my new position I can see my throne trapped behind her empty desk. It calls to me “Save me Hammer, it hurts when she sits on me!” I fully intend to rescue this POW. “Can you tell me why my chair is in your office oh round one?” I ask impatiently. “Well,” she begins “since you are off crime fighting a vast majority of your time I figured your chair was better served in my office where it will be used on a daily basis.” My chair shrieks “I’m not used, I’m ABUSED.” I respond with a snap “I understand your point; however, whose permission did you get before removing said throne?” Pause. The wheels in her tiny little head (I mean it her head is tiny) begin to move as if they have been unused and rusted out for the past 37 years of her existence. “I didn’t feel I needed anyone’s approval considering I am your supervisor.” She huffs. “Supervisor… no, superior… maybe in title alone.” I murmur with extreme anger brewing inside me like a thick lager. I begin again before she can get those wheels to turn one more time “The things inside my crime fighting lair are mine, the amount which I use each item does not come into play.” It is time for me to break out the big guns “How often do you use your door in your office?” I ask. Stupidly she responds “I hardly ever use my door, I have an open door policy.” This woman clearly has a knack for walking into an ambush, especially when the ambush is not an ambush at all, but a full frontal assault. “Then how would you feel if I took your door away from you Dr. Sensible Shoes?” I insert her name into the question just to add that extra rub like our parents do when we are children. “I fail to see how removing my door is on the same lines as removing your chair?” she blurts. Of course you don’t. You still question how they cram all that gram into Golden Grams you bumbling wanker. “Quicker Hammer” my chair pleads for its life “it smells like tuna in here. “If you will excuse me, I have a lunch meeting to prepare for.” I hear her tell me. Before I can respond, her ‘open door policy’ slams in my face. Through the tiny window I see her rest her rump on my throne. The throne drops four inches in pain as the mass settles on its once soft cushy goodness. I’ve lost my throne forever. A tear trickles from my left eye down my cheek to the corner of my mouth. As I taste the salty liquid on my lips I realize that I’ll never have my throne back. At least, not the leather wrapped throne I once cherished. As I begin my lonely walk back to my new sitting surface I relive happier times with my old friend in my mind. I see images of me pushing my throne on a local swing set. I see me sleeping in its comfort. I see me feeding it ice cream on a blanket in front of a fire place. Fighting crime in the real world is not at all like you see on the movies. I am not like Spiderman; I don’t always get the bad guy. I’m not like Superman impervious to everything but kryptonite. I’m not like Batman with his fancy belt of gadgets. I’m a mere mortal who has dedicated my flawed existence to making the world a better place… but some days, like today… I lose.

Are Oakley's Coming Back Into Style?

2005-02-09T14:02:00.000-05:00

1996 Forever

No.

America's Most Powerful Working Girl Gets The Boot

2005-02-09T13:40:00.000-05:00

"Buy 1 hour and the 2nd is half off"

Carly Fiorina, pictured here starting her new job, was given notice by "magic box under my desk" maker HP.

Pushed for an answer as to why the board of directors sent the CEO packing, CFO and now interim CEO Robert Wayman said, "Every March she comes prancing into my office with her daughter's Girl Scout Cookie order form, and she'll stand there until you buy something. So this year we got smart and executed a brilliant preemptive strike."

Added Vyomesh Joshi, HP's head of printing and imaging, "I've still got two goddamn boxes of Caramel De-Lites from last year."

According to inside sources, HP Director Patricia Dunn will be the next skirt on the chopping block due to an ever-present need for coworkers to sponsor her for AIDS Walk-a-thons and such.

Fiorina managed to steal $21,000,000 worth of office supplies before being escorted out the freight dock with the rest of yesterday's trash.

FULL STORY

Chicken on the Run

2005-02-08T13:14:00.000-05:00

Dusk in the city is a very beautiful time of day. Watching the sun slowly creep down in between the buildings can be very soothing. It was the type of evening that called for a sweater. Unfortunately, I wasn’t wearing one. It was cold enough to require an extra layer of clothing, but not enough to send a shiver down your body. There is a slight wind that brings the smells of the local pizza shops right to your nose. With a look of content on my face I walk down the main strip. There are shops to the left and right of me selling everything from potato chips to business suits to "tobacco" smoking paraphernalia. One of the dozen or so bars has the garage door style entrance wide open. People sitting outside on the side walk enjoying a post work cigarette and a cold cocktail. The sounds of Radio Head are coming from the juke box inside. The laughter from the locals and the thought of a cold beer are enough to entice me inside for a quick one. The choice for beer in this place is astounding. I elect for a nice thick stout. The cascading head down the side of the glass is a picturesque brown waterfall. To a beer drinker it is a beautiful site. I pay the petit young bartender what she asks for, plus a little bit extra for her tip jar. At the end of the bar sits a man who looks like he is courting the video touch screen game. His left arm is wrapped around it while he leans in close and gently taps at the screen. It would be cute if it were a woman under his paw. On the TV above him Judge Judy is playing. There are no subtitles. No way is anyone actually watching this. I call my new friend, the bar tender, over. “Is it possible to put the baseball game on the TV?” I inquire politely. “No, I’m watching this” snaps a gentleman sitting at a table behind me just out of my peripheral vision. “Sorry” says the bar maid dressed all in black. She turns with a smile to attend to another patron. I’m not bothered, but confused that anyone could watch a program like this with no sound or subtitles in a bar. I finish the remains of my beer and lick the foam from my lips. “Thank you” I say tapping the bar twice. I can think of very few things better after a twelve hour day then a nice refreshing cold beverage. My look of content has been upgraded to a look of happiness. I proceed down my path to my apartment. Just up the block stands a familiar man. He walks up and down the street all the time. I don’t know anything about him. But, I have given him a name, Scuba Steve. He stands proudly at about five feet eight inches. A thin man he dresses the same everyday. Wet suit, flippers, and a mask worn high on his forehead. He doesn’t speak, but he sure does smile. I pass him and offer him a friendly nod which is received and returned with a smile from ear to ear. I’m surprised because he is typically flanked by two other individuals. And there they are, just on the other side of Kentucky Fried Chicken. The Storm Trooper and Band Leader Brad. They are in their usual attire just like Scuba Steve. The Storm Trooper is dressed all in white from head to toe covered in some type of nylon material. The Storm Trooper even wears a mask to cover their face. He is covered so completely that I can not be certain that he is in fact a he at all. Band Leader Brad looking dapper as always with his tall furry hat, cape, and baton stands next to The Storm Trooper. The visions of the strip never cease to amaze me, yet I’m comforted by the familiarity of these characters that I assume are out on a day pass from the mental hospital. The closer I get the more I feel myself succumbing to the smell of KFC. I suppose dinner is not the worst idea I’ve had today. With a quickened step I approach this landmark chicken-slinging establishment. I have to heave at the door which is askew from the frame. Now inside the store I am overcome with the smell of chicken, mashed potatoes, and biscuits. Without hesitation I order. “I’d like a leg and a thigh with a side of mashed potatoes and gravy please.” “We out a thighs” says the rather ruff looking young lass behind the counter. “Out of thighs” I think to myself. This is Kentucky Fried CHICKEN, right? “Ok, I’ll have two legs and the potatoes then” I reply. In her ever so fluent native language she replies, “Legs is gonna take 15 minute, and the patatas is gone.” I don’t know what to attack first… her grammatical errors, or the fact that a chicken serving establishment is out of chicken. I’m perplexed and stunned at the notion. I look around me as if I’m expecting that freak Ashton Kutcher to jump out of the deep fryer shouting “you got punked dude!” After a moments pause, knowing I should leave, I reestablish myself at the counter and begin to order for a third time. “I’ll try the three piece crispy strip meal with the macaroni and cheese… please.” After slapping a few buttons she mumbles “Dats $6.47.” I pay and step to the side next to a gentleman who appears to be waiting for his food as well. The gentleman greets me with a nod and silently stares towards the cheetah like speed of the employees. Here, when I reference a cheetah, I’m referring to the cheetah that suffers from chronic fatigue and lays about the woods as if already dead. After a few moments pass the linebacker of a coworker turns to face us and states “Who got da tree piece?” Thinking it is my order I lean forward about to begin my step, but I stop when the gentleman next to me snatches the food from his hand and makes quickly for the door. I think to myself, he was here before me; it is possible we ordered the same thing. “Dat shit ain’t his. He didn’t order nothing!” says the verbally challenged cashier. Suddenly the linebacker looking fellow hurdles the nearly four foot counter and heads after the chicken thief. I pursue at a safe distance just to see what will happen next. Outside the thief is met at his rusted out white Camero by my rather large new friend. The thief is pulled around by the meaty paw of justice. The thief is de-chickened and listens carefully with a scared look upon his face. After giving what seemed like very specific directions my chicken rescuing friend approaches me with my dinner. Looking over his shoulder I see the thief staring at me as if I was the chicken he craved so desperately. I am reunited with my dinner and am myself given very specific directions. His burly voice forces me to take a step back “I’ll walk you to your car.” “I didn’t drive, I walked here. I only live half a block from here.” I inform him. “Well then I’d walk quickly and look over your shoulder. He may come after you for that chicken.” He tells me as if telling a 6 year old a scary campfire story. And without pause I make for my house like a fire cracker was lit under my lower regions. My hand is fumbling in my right front pocket searching for keys. My head must look like it is on a swivel. Look over my right shoulder, I don’t see him. Look over my left shoulder, I don’t see him. I forgot to look at traffic while crossing the street. I stumble over my own two left feet trying to get out of the way of oncoming traffic. I reach the entrance way to my sanctuary and slide the key into the lock on the first shot. I scramble up my front stairs and throw my dinner on the table and quickly close all of my blinds. “I can’t believe I’m going to die for three lousy pieces of f-ing chicken.” I fall on the couch with a feeling of relief that I made it home safely. I’m no longer hungry, but you better believe I need to crack a fresh beer. After emptying half the bottle on my first gulp I decide I’m calm enough to eat. I consume my fast food at a fast pace while watching Kenny Blankenship’s Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. The show is over as is my third beer. Later that night as I’m returning my dinner to the earth I realize that the strange man who was willing to risk life and limb to steal my three piece meal was actually trying to do me a favor. I think it is coming back again… I’ve got to go!!!

Proposal Meets With Unexcitement

2005-02-08T13:09:00.000-05:00

Viewing "Leaping Beaver's Reprieve"

The Foxhill High student council was less than enthusiastic over a pitch to make March "Native American History Month". Anne Fratelli, whose maternal grandmother was half Iroquois, presented the 24 minute proposal to the board during 9th period Monday afternoon.

Derek LeJeune, school council treasurer elect, described the presentation as "bullshit. I mean, she made two different Powerpoint presentations and a puppet show. A puppet show?! I'm going to be late to lacrosse practice."

Council President Kim Yung Chen could barely keep his eyes open. "Didn't we learn about longhouses in 7th grade? Did I just hallucinate for thirty minutes or was that the dumbest thing I've ever heard?"

One reason for the board's lack of concern was the "Asian American Month" proposed last week by Stephanie Wu, who is only 1/4 Japanese. Said Chen, "This school is now 14% Asian-American, and we represent 9 of the top 10 leaders in overall GPA, the top Tae Kwan Do atheletes, 75% of the Math Club, and we are making inroads into Campus Crusade. Obviously we're more likely to approve Stephanie's idea."

Sudong Pok, Vice President, agreed with Chen. "She designed a small rail road that we could build to unite the East and West campuses of the school." Although the campuses are separated by a mere 90 yards, Pok voted for the proposal, even if it meant diverting funds from the Gay/Lesbian/Transengendered car wash, because the railroad would "increase school unity, which was one of my campaign promises."

Regarding her quickly forgotten "Native American Month" idea, Fratelli was cautiously optimistic. "I think they really liked the puppet show about the Seneca Confederation."

2005-02-08T13:06:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I both joined a blog and made an online trade. I can just feel the bandwith pumping through me...or wait, is that just carpal tunnel?

excuse me!

2005-02-08T09:04:00.000-05:00

I farted a little... it doesn't stink.

I Apologize.

2005-02-08T08:38:00.000-05:00

W's Vacation Home

I really wanted to keep politics out of this stew, but I can't help myself. The new budget came out and it's too good to pass up.

Freezing all non-military or security programs for five years? George, are you high? With inflation, the implied cuts would cripple many backbone programs in a few short years. Though I suppose ending all of our education programs will make it easier to fill the extra Army uniforms you ordered.

Did you forget a few items? I remember a lot of banter on the Social Security issue. And what about a spending plan for our $5 billion/per month oil protection err...I mean Crusades err...I mean War on Terror. (And about that W.O.T., that's like, to lift from David Cross, waging a war on jealousy. You're not going to win.)

More funny stuff later.

What's In Your Mullet?

2005-02-07T22:54:00.000-05:00

Dressed for Daytona

"I just ate a baby...and I feel like kickin' ass!"

so fire me...

2005-02-07T18:32:00.000-05:00

i got yelled at today... again. in my ever so roomy office i have a candy dish. it is there for several people. believe it or not i'm not one of those several people. i work in a very catty environment and i've learned (i apologize for the sexist statements) that chocolate actually calms down certain members of this society. in addition, i do work in academia and have several pre-twenty something running around my campus. i encourage a sincere exchange of thoughts and ideas and this chocolate helps to lower students inhibitions (i don't mean sexually, come on man... I'm taken) allowing them to talk to me honestly so that i can help them with their problems. let's face it, these kids now a days have some series problems with their blisters on their thumbs from x-box, alcoholism at the age of 18, and need for pregnancy tests and paternity test. so, i have several of these students in my office before class. no biggie right? after all, talking to students is my job. Well, they all scurry along to class like good little boys and girls should and I'm approached by one of the academic advisors. she has multiple complaints with the recent transpirings. first complaint... students should not be encouraged to "hang out" in the office. second... dealing with students problems is not in my job description therefore i should not talk to them after they enroll. third and perhaps my favorite... i should not feed them chocolate since the sugar will get them hyped up before class thus disrupting the teachers. it is a mad, mad world folks. chocolate is to blame for the downfall off the educational system. and i, single handedly, have forced five students to a life of stupidity, prostitution, and poor dental hygiene. i am a cancer on this society and should be removed from an environment in which i can influence children in the negative. on that note... I'm off to pretend to be a student at the very institution that i pretend to work for.

American Idol Audition Crashes and/or Burns

2005-02-07T16:12:00.000-05:00

Nicoletti: "Whatever"

Armand Nicoletti, sophomore at Shrewsbury High School, faced sharp criticism after performing his "A Clockwork Pink" showtune, a homosexual medley loosely based on the classic 1971 film "A Clockwork Orange" by Stanley Kubrick.

Reached through his publicist, Malcom McDowell promised to "beat that kid with my walking stick until Beethoven rises from the grave. Or until the kid cries. Whichever comes first. I'm a monster."

Dr. Sensible Shoes

2005-02-07T16:08:00.000-05:00

8:15am the hammer arrives to work prompt as usual for his 8am start time. Cheerfully I stride for my office. Today I have three appointments with potential customers and two site visits. It is going to be a busy day, and as we all know, superheroes love to be busy. As I enter my office I am greeted by a vertical smile. The figure is short, round, and oh yeah, did I mention on its hands and knees underneath my desk? “Um, excuse me. Can I help you?” Our friendly superhero says in his most intimidating tone. The dumpling begins to waddle, squirm, and moan its way out from The Hammers secret lair. The plumbers crack bends and stretches as this yet unidentified object emerges. As the individual struggles to their feet I realize that they are in fact only marginally taller upright then in the crawling position. “I’m Dr. Sensible Shoes.” said triumphantly by the perplexing figure before me. “Indeed you are” I think to myself examining her VERY red sensible shoes. “I’m the new Director here.” She finishes with a smile. “That is fantastic” I begin, “… and the reason you have invaded my sanctuary would be…?” “Oh, I was looking to see what type of trinkets you have for our customers and partners.” She sputters out while rubbing her hands together. “You could ask.” I’m a big fan of verbal communication, I’m also quite good at it considering I’ve been practicing it since my fist word… mommy. “I didn’t think this would bother you.” Dr. Sensible Shoes says in a bewildered tone. Huh? You came into an office of a person whom you don’t know, then went threw the belongings of the person you don’t know. Yeah, I can understand why you would think this is ok. I, like many superheroes, keep my memoirs, power source, and dirty magazines in my secret lair. Naturally you can understand why this has upset me. Forty five seconds into my first encounter with the Super Villain, Dr. Sensible Shoes, and I’ve already determined that she needs The Hammer to clobber her. Some villains I allow to live and continue their existence unharmed because I feel pity for them, and every hero needs someone to clash with on a weekly basis. But, this Super Villain must be rubbed out of existence. “Well, I’m going to take this box of post-it notes for my use.” said while stepping toward the exit. The hell you are. I impede her progress and state “those are not for our use, nor are you supposed to have these to give away. These are mine to give away in an effort to entice customers.” This is blatant fabrication considering my desk, walls, and computer screen are covered in the ingenious invention. I could have given her one from the box… but not until she asks. I reach out and remove the box from her hand. I’m not ashamed to admit that I felt such a surge of power and excitement course threw my veins as I knocked this villain down a peg. I step to the side sending a clear message that our first battle is over. As she meanders threw the entrance way she plunges her chins to her chest in disgust. She had not anticipated a worthy adversary. “Dr. Sensible Shoes.” I say giving her pause just outside our hero’s office. “Here is one cube that you may have for your desk.” She extends her hand and takes the hand out and silently moves out of site.

Sandwich Receives Oral Sex From Area Man

2005-02-07T13:39:00.000-05:00

The perv and the victim.

Hamburg, NY (AP)
A local resident was caught trying to fellate an Italian sausage hoagie over the weekend.

Tim Somerset, pictured with the victim, plead guilty to the charge of forcible assault.

"It was awful, I mean, one minute I'm chillin'(sic) on a plate next to the grill and this perv picks me up and...(sobs)..it's just so humiliating." The sandwich requested that his name be withheld from this article. "I've got a wife and kids. What would my daughter say?"

Somerset was "taking a semester off" from SUNY New Paltz, working at his father's office supply store. This is far from his first offense in inanimate object sexual violations. Last spring he was cited for making his little brother's GI Joe figurines perform a '69' on each other and in November of 2001 his father came home early from work to find his son attempting to penetrate couch cushions for sexual pleasure. The latter offence earned him two weeks of shameful looks from his parents.

Lockout Enters 6th Month

2005-02-07T13:31:00.000-05:00

Basic PBJ

Negotiations between peanut butter and jelly were called off once again this afternoon, sending the PB&J lockout into its 6th month. At odds over the proper ratio of PB to J, both sides have been on lockout since September 1st, the day their previous contract expired.

The latest breakdown prompts both children and parents to openly ask if there will be any PB&J sandwiches at all this year. With the school year halfway gone, the hopes for a reduced sandwich season, working straight through Easter vacation, are quickly dwindling.

“At this rate, we probably won’t see PB&J back in the lunchroom until the 05-06 year.” said Lana Ambrose, local lunchlady. “It’s definitely hard on the kids. Especially the poor ones.”

Many parents are facing difficult choices in preparing their child’s brown bag lunches. “It’s hard. There only so many things you can substitute for a PB&J sandwich,” said single mother Monica DeWitt. “Jeremiah won’t eat the chicken Caesar wraps I made, or the hummus pitas. I’m down to lunch meats and you know I don’t want to see that deadbeat,” referring to her ex-husband Arnie, who works the Deli counter at Shoprite, and “who lost his good telecom job for viewing internet porn.”

Local children are feeling the pinch as well. “My mom won’t give me lunch money because I’ll trade it for Ritalin,” said Julia R, age 6. “I can’t be trusted. But mommy says the first step is to admit that I have a problem.” Julia’s mother has been giving her daughter Lender’s frozen onion bagels instead of sandwiches this year. “It usually thaws by lunch time. Usually.”

Sixth grader Will Higgins opened his lunch bag to see his mother had given him bologna and cheese, again. “What the F*#@? I told her I hate bologna.” Higgins proceeded to throw his bologna sandwich at the nearest unpopular girl, claiming that he would get his father to “straighten out” his mother later. “She knows I’m having a bad year. First the pube thing, then Ron Artest getting f*$&*@ by the league like that, I’m stressed the f*#@ out. I need a cigarette.”

The situation will continue to worsen until a neutral third party can be brought in to mediate discussions. Fluffernutter has been mentioned, but critics point to Fluff’s past relationship with peanut butter as proof of being “too partisan.” When will peanut butter get back with jelly? Parents and children are hoping for sooner rather than later.

Neither spread could be contacted for comment on this article.

News Flash

2005-02-07T13:18:00.000-05:00

Hey, this is Sway with an MTV news break. Carson Daly was found unconscious in the MTV studios early this morning. He was found with his pants around his ankles, a rope securely tied around his neck, right pinkie finger nail painted black, and a half empty bottle of lubridurm at his side. His local doctor was notified and performed a procedure still in the experimental stages. The experiment uses chemicals and electrical currents to recreate images on a monitor of the last thoughts running through the brain before the patient losses consciousness. It is unclear of the actual thought but at this point it is known that it involved Christina Aguilara, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Puff Daddy, and the guy from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Later when Carson regained his wits he stated "yo, yo, yo... Missy Misdemeanor Elliot will never believe this. I can't wait to put this in my blog!" As information become available we will be sure to update you. Our thoughts and our prayers are with our fallen brother for a speedy recovery. I won't rest until I find the bastard that did this to you homie.

Stay tuned for Real World Jefferson City Missouri.

Umm, yeah.

2005-02-07T09:58:00.000-05:00

squalor.

This photo is disturbing for many reasons, not the least of which is the giant fish on the floor behind the peanut-butter-smothered-baby.

Missy + Matt's neighborhood

2005-02-07T09:01:00.000-05:00

Missy + Matt's neighborhood

Happened to be in your 'hood the other day. I kept going. You obviously made a left.

The Ring 2

2005-02-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

The Ring 2

Anyone else catch the sneak preview for The Ring 2? The movie is shit.

Do you hear that?

2005-02-07T08:58:00.000-05:00

Curious Native

Tsunami relief from the Tachikara company viewed as cryptic message from the angry water gods.

A Name!

2005-02-06T23:46:00.000-05:00

He has a name. Sixteen seasons...and his name is Jeff Albertson. I don't think he really needed a name.

Title of Blog

2005-02-06T14:31:00.000-05:00

I would like to point out that the word "FUMAC" has no an exclamation point. No exclamation point is needed. The word, itself, strikes fear, awe, and excitement in everyone.

Yearbook

2005-02-06T10:38:00.000-05:00

As I joined the Blogging crowd for the first time today, many thoughts ran through my mind. Am I now a part of the "Blogger generation?" Was I once Generation X'er, who then became a Generation Y'er, but am now part of some new generation? Am I now a part of the group that spurred Howard Dean's 2003 run for the Democrat nomination? Am I part of the Bloggers who discovered that Dan Rather was lying in his 60 Minutes piece on W's service in the Texas Air National Guard?

The answer, I found out, is no. As I finished signing-up to Blog (is that a verb?), I got up, made myself a cup of coffee, and as I prepared to sit back down, I proceded to spill my entire cup Taster's Choice all over me.

One more great Simpson's sports moment

2005-02-06T01:44:00.000-05:00

92. Bart tells Homer that "a good dad wouldn't miss his son's Little League games!" And Homer replies, "I told you -- I find them boring!"

Simpson's Sports moments again---

2005-02-06T01:36:00.000-05:00

18. Drederick Tatum: Spanning multiple episodes, this caricature of Mike Tyson is the main recurring athlete character on the show. Managed by a Don King knockoff named Lucius Sweet, Tatum's history truly is a checkered one.

Grew up in Springfield, later learning how to fight in the notorious projects of Capital City.

Honed his skills while serving time for aggravated assault and manslaughter in Springfield Prison.

Although he liked Homer, Dedrick Tatum threatened to "make orphans of his children."
Has fathered several children, with different mothers.

Won a boxing gold medal in 1984 Olympics.

After becoming heavyweight champion, informs Kent Brockman in a candid interview that Springfield "is a dump. If you ever see me back there, you'll know I really (bleep)ed up bad."

Was the token black panelist at the Miss American Girl Pageant.

While sitting in his cell, quells a prison riot simply by telling everyone "hey, come on guys, just shut up."

First comeback fight (after spending five years in prison) is "Tatum-Watson 2: The Bout to Knock the Other Guy Out." Tatum reclaims his title.

Featured on the cover of "Millionaire Boxing" magazine, with the story "Drederick Tatum: Why Such Rage?"

Is temporarily incarcerated for pushing his mother down the stairs (which if he could "turn back the clock on my mother's stair-pushing, I would certainly ... reconsider it").

Another comeback fight from jail is against Homer, dubbed "Payback." "Society put away Drederick Tatum for his brutal crime. But he's paid his debt, and now, he's going to get revenge ... on Homer Simpson."

In a press conference, Tatum describes Homer "as a good man, but I'm definitely going make orphans of his children." When a reporter reminds the champ that Homer is married and his kids have a mother, Tatum replies "Yes, but I would imagine she would die of grief."

Is part of a group representing the purity of morals in Las Vegas when Homer and Ned try to ditch their quickie brides; physically throws Ned and Homer across the state line.

During a statue dedication, tells us that "Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children."

Is part of a group representing the purity of morals in Las Vegas when Homer and Ned try to ditch their quickie brides; physically throws Ned and Homer across the state line.

During a statue dedication, tells us that "Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children."

Simpson's Sports moments---

2005-02-06T01:35:00.000-05:00

5. Lisa on Ice: Lisa is forced to join a pee-wee hockey league to avoid failing P.E., and her concept of such leagues is dead-on: "You mean those leagues where parents push their kids into vicious competition to compensate for their own failed dreams of glory?" But when she finds out she's a world-class goalie, even she buys into the hype.

Homer rewards sports achievement by letting Bart sit in the front seat, and when he offers that seat to Lisa after a good game, she says "it's wrong to reward violent competitive behavior" and will only sit up front if it's a fatherly gesture of love. Homer agrees, but after Lisa gets in, he screams "Sucker! Competitive violence, that's why you're here!"

You soon have a brother-sister rivalry, culminating in a showdown between Bart's team (The Mighty Pigs, coached by Chief Wiggum) and Lisa's team (The Kwik-E-Mart Gougers, coached by Apu). When Bart lines up for a penalty shot against Lisa in a tie game with four seconds left, the two embrace at center ice and settle for the tie rather than succumb to the town's taste for blood. Homer's sad realization? "They're both losers. Losers!"

Day 2

2005-02-05T23:52:00.000-05:00

The team isn't forming as quickly as I had previously hoped. Did I overstimate the group's potential?

Welcome!

2005-02-04T16:22:00.000-05:00

You did it. You journeyed up the treacherous Oregon Trail, surviving Injuns and typhoid and dysentery. Excellent.