Area Man Almost Ready To Take Over The Earth

"Beg for my mercy!"

Local resident Jeff Alberston, pictured here, claims to be in the final stages of preparation for his global dominance initiative. Before striking out on his detailed map to "super villainy", Alberston has a few loose ends to tie up.

"I gave my notice to Wegmans yesterday, so that leaves 12 more days before I squash you puny Earthlings like the scum that you are," said Alberston. "Which is good, because I promised my mother that I'd trim the branches overhanging her garage."

Concerning the world domination, Albertson's friends remain skeptical at best. "Jeff's always threatening to disintegrate me or something," claims Justin Buell. "But I'm still here."

Former manager Dennis LeJeune wishes the aspiring evil-doer plenty of luck, "but if it doesn't work out, you'll always have a job in my produce department."

Qaption Qontest Quatro

Caption this, please.

This should be easy. Real easy.

"This is definitely the best homeless shelter on the West Side."

Historic Sorority Vote Finds That Poor People Are Ugly

Beat the Ugly!

The Wake Forest University chapter of the Delta Zeta sorority confirmed by a 33-1-1 vote that poor people are uglier than those with money.

Although the vote was nearly unanimous, "We did lots of super scientific testing to confirm our judgement," says Chapter VP Wendy Hornsworth. "I sent the pledges to the parking deck to see who was driving either cars older than 2003 or American cars."

Junior Melanie Waddington was dispatched to the Financial Aid office for secondary proof. "It was like so gross. I had no idea how many poor people were ugly. I'm talking about generic jeans."

The lone dissenting vote came from Sophomore Beth Huddler, described by Hornsworth as, "suspect herself. She's only here for numbers and because she's a legacy and National said we had to take her or else we'd be disqualified from Derby Days." The abstained vote was for Valerie Burns, who is 'taking some time for herself' in Marseilles.