Microsoft Courts Hip Hop Word Processing Market

Word For Your Brother

"No longer will your dope rhymes be stored on discarded scraps of burlap or toilet paper," said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, addressing the crowd at the first annual Hip Hop Technology and Car Show.

Questioned about the market viability of a hip hop word processing application, Gates replied "Rap is the fastest growing music genre, so teaming it with our Office, I mean, Recording Studio Suite, is simply a no brainer." In his 35 minute presentation, Gates never mentioned that consumers would need a computer to run the application. "We make software, not computers. Not my problem."

Inside sources report that the Redmond, Washington software giant is set to release PowerPimpPoint next month at Snoop Doggy Dogg's daughter's Bat Mitzvah.

So...do you like music?

Is That A Carrot In Your Pants?

This moment of awkward sexual tension brought to you by twenty nine cans of Miller Genuine Draft, all your friends passing out in the other room, and yearning for human touch but sleeping alone for nine months.

Local Fight Club Delays Fighting, Again

"I've Got The Conch"

For the 17th Saturday in a row, Perry's Fight Club, inspired by the Edward Norton/Brad Pitt movie of the same name, postponed fighting until the next week. Originally founded with 19 members, only six remain.

"Some of the guys were so pumped up about fighting that they weren't willing to put the effort into doing it right the first time," said founder Perry Danville. "I'm of the opinion that without the proper planning, this could end up being a free for all, and someone could get hurt."

Ex-member Steve Santa-Maria was one of the first to go. "They spent five weeks just writing and editing the rules. What the fuck? The rules were right in the movie. Week six was canceled because Perry had promised to take his kid snowboarding. Week seven they wanted to hold elections for officers. I couldn't take it anymore."

Halfway through week 7, Santa-Maria allegedly picked up Treasurer-Elect Rudy DiCosimo and delivered upwards of ten punches to the face before being restrained by other members. Attendance decreased sharply after the incident.

"We can't allow that kind of violence here, not in this Fight Club," said Perry.

Below is a breakdown of the club's activities to date, according to the meeting minutes recorded by Secretary Chuck Fairlawn.

Weeks 1-5: Drafting Club constitution.
Week 6: Cancelled.
Week 7: Elections, ended early due to a fight breaking out.
Weeks 8-9: Reviewing disupted election results.
Weeks 9-10: Cleaning Perry's basement.
Week 11: Car wash fundraiser at Rt 35 Denny's.
Week 12: Helping Perry's wife hang curtain rods.
Weeks 13-15: Re-drafting of Club consitution.
Week 16: Watching Fight Club movie for ideas.
Week 17: Discussion of printing costs for club t-shirts.

Caption Contest 3

Giddyup!

You all suck! Caption Contest 1 went fairly well, but part deux bombed. The funniest comment was from some random guy. I'll leave part deux open for another day or two, but in the meantime, let's get going on 3! It has some potential.

"Seabiscuit's personal hell."

Happy Holiday!

My Flag

I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I think I like it. That's right, it's Flag Day again.

Here is my flag. And these colors don't run...because it's monochrome.

Livin' On a Prayer....

Jersey Girls T-Shirt .

The greatest t-shirt ever. DiGaudio knows what I'm talking about.

I might be in dutch with the wife after this one...

Speak Up, White Devil

Black Power!

This is my first writing since the untimely death, nay suicide, of a great author, Hunter S Thompson. It is high time that I remount the keyboard and get back to doing what I do best...highlight reel dunks over Joe Boyd! Okay, maybe that's a lie. But this is important.

I'm sick of white people feeling the need to whisper when they say something that could be construed as bigoted. For example, "The demographic composition of Buffalo's East Side is largely black." By whispering black, they feel that they are being sensitive to the racial problems in our nation. If you have the moxie to say it, then say the whole damn thing out loud.

Or what about: "We saw a lot of gays in Key West." No shit. You make it sound like you spotted a bald eagle nesting in your walk-in-closet. I realize that the average suburban white paranoid would have a harder time knowing if there was a homosexual in their company than an African-American. So bringing down their volume on the "sensitive" word makes them feel slightly safer, yet announces to the world that they are completely scared of modern diversity.

Lastly, I would have a better understanding (not sympathy) if the "sensitive" word in question was truly offensive, like the N-Bomb or coloreds or rump-stuffers. It's best to avoid these terms altogether, yet if you must, quietly is better than loudly. If you have the ignorance to speak like this in public, you deserve the grisly death at the hands of an angry mob that's coming after you. Peace.

We Have A Winner

To The Victor

Congratulations to Mr. Tony Splagola for winning the first caption contest. Scroll down if you don't remember. I'm not repeating it here. I'm just not.

Anyways, Tony won by a narrow margin, even though he forgot to cast a vote. Here is your prize
----------------->
A wonderful Chicken Parm from Areola's Eye-talian restaurant on Transit Rd in Depew.

You Will Be Missed

Bad news. Very bad news. Hunter S Thompson shot himself earlier tonight. The Good Doctor has gone and left us to struggle ahead without his insane guidance. I've read almost all of his work and he is one of the stronger influences on my own writing. Reading his "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" for the first time is like seeing a movie with a great ending; you'll only remember the first impression. "The Rum Diaries" is a fantastically underrated novel. And "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail: 72" is quite long, but worth the read for the many priceless observations which came from one of the most influential presidential campaigns in modern history.
Good luck Dr. Thompson. Earth was never ready for you; lets see if the afterlife is.

Cupid On Record Setting Bender

Like Johnny Depp In A Hotel Room

Every year, Cupid takes the week after Valentines Day to unwind and de-stress. This year, friends say, he is on a Courtney Love type bender and hasn't let off the gas since Tuesday morning.

"He came home, crashed for a few hours, then at like ten in the morning, he was at the kitchen table blowing rails off of a Captain Crunch box," said roommate The Tooth Fairy. "Last year we went out and got hammered the night after, but that was just one night."

The hardcore partying hasn't stopped since. "Booze, coke, pot, Darvocet, meth, and some shrooms," reported the annoyed Fairy. "And I don't know what happened after I went to work. He brought home a few girls, which is really easy for him, and they were still screaming and yelling when I got back this morning. I work nights, goddammit. Every night. Not this 'I work really hard one day a year shit'. Cupid, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny: they can all blow me."

As of Friday morning, Cupid has been awake just over 72 hours. Concerned friends urged him to at least take a nap, but Cupid only replied with "You don't know me," repeated several hundred times.

Caption Contest Part Deux

"Your Witty Remark Here"

The winner for the first contest will be announced after tallying the votes. The field was small, so everyone has a good chance.

On to the next caption contest. I'll start:

"You can rent this here piece of heaven for just $1800 a month, plus parking. Welcome to New Jersey."

Clown Part 1

Creepy

Please don't. Seriously, back up. Back up more. Where's my gun?

Target Reaches Market Saturation

Bullseye!

After opening the 240th Target Department store in the Netherlands, pictured here, the retailing giant achieved total market saturation in the Northern-European nation.

Wal-Mart, the universally acknowledged "greatest retailer in the galaxy" and "right hand of Satan himself" announced plans to purchase every star that shines over Europe and slipcover them with their Smiley-Face logo.

K-Mart was too busy wallowing in the feces of its mismanagement to comment.

Light Petting Quitting the Sex Game

Light Petting in Action

Sources close to the Petting family report that Light Petting is retiring from the sex game effective immediately. The unnamed insider said that "Light has been living in the shadow of his older brother, Heavy Petting, for way too long. It's time to move on."

Heavy Petting has enjoyed a nearly 12:1 advantage in market share over its sibling, mostly because nobody knows what Light Petting really means.

Light Petting will continue to work part time in the house cat petting arena, where it has enjoyed tremendous success.

Family Party Goes From Bad To Worse

Is it like a Boston Steamer?

The Solesson family party took a dramatic turn from "insufferably boring" to "excruciatingly awkward" when Grandma Louise, pictured here, overheard her grandson Ryan Solesson, 18, suggest to his younger brother Jason, 15, that he 'Dirty Sanchez' himself.

"Dirty Sanchez? What are you talking about?" she yelled, causing complete silence in the room.

"I prayed for instant death," Ryan admitted, later adding "hers, not mine."

Cousin Sarah feigned total ignorance and Ryan's mother, Barb, couldn't contain her giggles and had to be excused.

The agony was protracted by Grandma Louise's extensive search through the Unabridged Oxford English Dictionary, which ultimately proved fruitless.

Football Killing Stumps Investigators

Tragedy Strikes Again

Early this morning, emergency services rushed to the scene of a grisly homicide. Adidas CEO Herbert Hainer was crushed to death when a giant football fell on his BMW, compacting his body into teeny, tiny pieces.

There are no suspects as of yet. Police are baffled.

Coworker's Cubicle Zoo No Longer Amusing

Creatures From Accounting

Accounts payable clerk John Delpino released a statement to the entire department Monday afternoon, in which he declared that his coworker, Julie Hallendale, and her cubicle zoo have become too annoying for words.

Onlookers described Delpino as both "sweaty" and "agitated" during his eleven minute rant. "He made a pretty decent flow chart marking the points where Julie and her little plastic animals went from tolerable to intolerable over the fourth quarter of last year. I was sold," says office manager Len Gryzb.

Critics, however, charge that Hallendale's drastic downward plunge in "worth" coincided exactly with the drunken holiday party "where she wouldn't let John grope her breasts despite the triple-dog-dare."

Telemarketing Pays Off in $6.6 Billion Sale: Kid Who Made Call Bumped to $11.15/hr

Another One Bites the Dust

After nearly 11 months of constant phone calls, MCI agreed to a $6.6 billion buyout from Verizon Wireless.

"It was unprecedented. They called every day at 8am sharp. Then they'd call at dinner too," moaned MCI as it apparently did not like a taste of its own medicine.

"How many times do I have to hear it? 'We're calling from Verizon to ask if you're satisfied with your current ownership' at least ten times a day." MCI reportedly tried altering its dinner schedule so it and its subsidiaries could eat in peace. The gambit failed. "They were relentless. Finally we said 'fuck it', if it will end these calls, let's change ownership."

No word yet as to how MCI is dealing with the 884 pieces of SPAM email in its Yahoo! mail account.

First Weekly FUMAC Caption Contest!!!

Can you do better?

"Are you still feeling bad about sleeping with my father?"
"Yeah...."
"You should, you slut."

Now it's your turn! Use the COMMENTS button below to add your caption to the fray. A winner will be announced sometime Friday.

White House To Increase Pressure On North Korea; Must Take Away Ebay

"I got it on eBay!"

Since narrowly avoiding the Lame Duck entree this November, George Bush and his White House Gang (mostly comprised of Marky Mark's ill-fated Funky Bunch), have sought to clamp down on the renegade republic of North Korea. They feel the key step in their "full court press" is to take away North Korea's eBay privileges.

Kim Jong Il and Co. have been active members of the eBay community since 2001, where they currently hold Gold Power-Seller status. Washington believes that the 'evil' dictator is making 80-90% of his income from eBay transactions. "Guns, missiles, DVD's, and porn. Lots of porn," says Vice President Cheney. "Have you seen what he charges for shipping? They must be laughing all the way to the bank, if they had a bank, which they don't, because they're commie bastards."

eBay administrators have resisted Washington's requests to cancel North Korea's membership, or even to rescind their Power-Seller status. One eBay director replied, "they ship fast, they pay promptly, and their feedback is excellent. Our hands our tied."
Real Story

California Schoolchildren Forced to Wear Radio Tags; Invisible Fence To Be Installed Monday

Sutter, CA

Parents and civil libertarians in Sutter, California, are in an uproar over the school's decision to make children wear radio identifying tags at all times to track their attendance and, potentially, movement. Principal Earnie Graham says "Wait until they hear about the invisible fence. Whoa doggy they are going to be pissed."

In effort to 'Trump Truancy', as displayed on the Donald Trump Anti-Truancy poster in Graham's office, the invisible fence will be activated at precisely 8:45 each morning, effectively trapping all students on school grounds. Normally reserved for canine use, anyone trying to exit the property receives a non-lethal electric shock which will incapacitate the offender.

Whether this shock is harmful to children Graham mused, "Prohibitive. That's a good word for it. They'll think twice next time."

Ironically, any student late to school cannot safely enter, thus proving the fence is more likely to increase truancy. To this Principal Graham quipped: "Well the non-refundable deposit is on my credit card. If I pull the plug now the school board might not reimburse me, and I need that money. I'm trying to buy a boat."
REAL STORY

Ribbon Makers Release 2Q Earnings Forecast

Bread and Butter Market

RibbonTek, the nation's leading producer of magnetic ribbons, projected a rosy forecast for second quarter earnings. The company, located in Parsippany NJ, employees 144 people in design, production, testing, packing, and front office.

"We can shoot out upwards of forty thousand of these puppies a day," claims CEO Clint Mavry, former owner/operator of LawnTek Landscaping. "There are ribbons for every cause imaginable, even obscure diseases like breast cancer. And we think up new ones every day." He later added, "new ribbons, not new diseases."

To date, RibbonTek has manufactured close to 110 million magnetic ribbons. When queried about the finite number of cars on the road, Mavry countered by pointing out the size of the average vehicle is increasing faster than ever. "Have you seen the Nissan Pathfinder Armada? One of them could keep us busy for weeks."

Asked about the "fad" quality of the ribbons, Mavry responded "This bubble ain't never gonna burst. I'm hiring an office masseuse."

Wall Street reacted to the RibbonTek news as expected: "What the fuck is RibbonTek?"

Local Man Realizes He Is Dating A "Superfreak"

She's super-freaky, yow

Local resident Drew Henman is slowly coming to grips with the idea that he is dating a Superfreak, say friends. The Superfreak, Allison Marsh, shown here playing strip poker, claims that she just likes "having a good time," but Henman is starting to pull away.

"At first I was so into her. We had a blast for those couple weeks. Now I'm seeing the signs more clearly," he said.

Henman's roommate, Josh Litmann, thinks that the writing has been on the wall since the beginning. "I mean come on, she likes the boys in the band for christsake."

For his birthday last week, Marsh set up a romantic evening including incense, wine and candles. "Such a freaky scene," Henman remarked.

After much prodding, Henman finally admitted in a flood of tears that "she's the kind you don't take home to mother."

Negligent Nanny Fired

Shanghai Marathon Gone Wrong

A yet-to-be-identified nanny for the wealthy parents of these Shanghai sextuplets was given a pink slip and a savage beating after mistakenly putting the infants down for a nap in the path of an oncoming marathon.

Thankfully, race leader Charles Wei, shown here leaping gracefully, was the first to reach the sextuplets and managed to clear the gaggle of babies with relative ease, citing his steeplechase experience as the critical skill. "Now you know what those water pits on the track are for...they're to save lives."

Asia's Population Density Reaches Critical Mass

Large Taiwanese Apartment

Efforts to discourage breeding in East Asian nations prove unsuccessful in stemming the rapid growth rate. It has become so bad that some governments like Taiwan, pictured here, have resorted to stacking people horizontally to save space.

The Taiwanese President, Chen Shui-bian, thinks the move will buy him some time to "really think this one through." He currently works and lives in a 3 foot by 4 foot space in the Presidential palace but is being criticized by opponents for living in such "luxury."

"Something has to give soon," he said. "We've made a cash offer to purchase Idaho, but it's so up in the air."

Idaho governor Dirk Kempthorne says the offer is "tempting, but most Idahoans are a teensy bit skeptical of a cash and carry sale to a foreign republic. And I haven't had time to look into the federal laws on this sort of thing."

Pope Discharged From Hospital; Already Misses the Jell-O

I decree this convention to be "kickass"!

The Pope, pictured here visiting the Fantasy Football convention in Las Vegas last month, was released from the hospital where he was treated for a respiratory ailment. Doctors, fearing the Eternal Damnation promised by the Pope's handlers, worked round the clock to get the Pontiff back in shape for NASCAR season.

"There is just over a week until he's scheduled to wave the green flag at Daytona," said Bernie Grulman, His Holiness' agent. "We can't afford to miss that kind of exposure."

While the Pope himself declined to comment, sources insdide his "exempt-from-Earthly-laws" palace said that the Pope is "eager to get back to breathing again. He wants to do some light shopping and he doesn't want to reschedule his charity match with tennis star Andy Roddick."

NASCAR officials are eagerly awaiting the Papal return to the impoverished Southeastern region where his T-shirt sales are in a solid tie for second place with Robby Gordon. On his chances of catching Dale Jr, one insider was blunt: "Not a chance in Heaven. Or Darlington."
Real Story

Are Oakley's Coming Back Into Style?

1996 Forever

No.

America's Most Powerful Working Girl Gets The Boot

"Buy 1 hour and the 2nd is half off"

Carly Fiorina, pictured here starting her new job, was given notice by "magic box under my desk" maker HP.

Pushed for an answer as to why the board of directors sent the CEO packing, CFO and now interim CEO Robert Wayman said, "Every March she comes prancing into my office with her daughter's Girl Scout Cookie order form, and she'll stand there until you buy something. So this year we got smart and executed a brilliant preemptive strike."

Added Vyomesh Joshi, HP's head of printing and imaging, "I've still got two goddamn boxes of Caramel De-Lites from last year."

According to inside sources, HP Director Patricia Dunn will be the next skirt on the chopping block due to an ever-present need for coworkers to sponsor her for AIDS Walk-a-thons and such.

Fiorina managed to steal $21,000,000 worth of office supplies before being escorted out the freight dock with the rest of yesterday's trash.

FULL STORY

Proposal Meets With Unexcitement

Viewing "Leaping Beaver's Reprieve"

The Foxhill High student council was less than enthusiastic over a pitch to make March "Native American History Month". Anne Fratelli, whose maternal grandmother was half Iroquois, presented the 24 minute proposal to the board during 9th period Monday afternoon.

Derek LeJeune, school council treasurer elect, described the presentation as "bullshit. I mean, she made two different Powerpoint presentations and a puppet show. A puppet show?! I'm going to be late to lacrosse practice."

Council President Kim Yung Chen could barely keep his eyes open. "Didn't we learn about longhouses in 7th grade? Did I just hallucinate for thirty minutes or was that the dumbest thing I've ever heard?"

One reason for the board's lack of concern was the "Asian American Month" proposed last week by Stephanie Wu, who is only 1/4 Japanese. Said Chen, "This school is now 14% Asian-American, and we represent 9 of the top 10 leaders in overall GPA, the top Tae Kwan Do atheletes, 75% of the Math Club, and we are making inroads into Campus Crusade. Obviously we're more likely to approve Stephanie's idea."

Sudong Pok, Vice President, agreed with Chen. "She designed a small rail road that we could build to unite the East and West campuses of the school." Although the campuses are separated by a mere 90 yards, Pok voted for the proposal, even if it meant diverting funds from the Gay/Lesbian/Transengendered car wash, because the railroad would "increase school unity, which was one of my campaign promises."

Regarding her quickly forgotten "Native American Month" idea, Fratelli was cautiously optimistic. "I think they really liked the puppet show about the Seneca Confederation."

I Apologize.

W's Vacation Home

I really wanted to keep politics out of this stew, but I can't help myself. The new budget came out and it's too good to pass up.

Freezing all non-military or security programs for five years? George, are you high? With inflation, the implied cuts would cripple many backbone programs in a few short years. Though I suppose ending all of our education programs will make it easier to fill the extra Army uniforms you ordered.

Did you forget a few items? I remember a lot of banter on the Social Security issue. And what about a spending plan for our $5 billion/per month oil protection err...I mean Crusades err...I mean War on Terror. (And about that W.O.T., that's like, to lift from David Cross, waging a war on jealousy. You're not going to win.)

More funny stuff later.

What's In Your Mullet?

Dressed for Daytona

"I just ate a baby...and I feel like kickin' ass!"

American Idol Audition Crashes and/or Burns

Nicoletti: "Whatever"

Armand Nicoletti, sophomore at Shrewsbury High School, faced sharp criticism after performing his "A Clockwork Pink" showtune, a homosexual medley loosely based on the classic 1971 film "A Clockwork Orange" by Stanley Kubrick.

Reached through his publicist, Malcom McDowell promised to "beat that kid with my walking stick until Beethoven rises from the grave. Or until the kid cries. Whichever comes first. I'm a monster."

Sandwich Receives Oral Sex From Area Man

The perv and the victim.

Hamburg, NY (AP)
A local resident was caught trying to fellate an Italian sausage hoagie over the weekend.

Tim Somerset, pictured with the victim, plead guilty to the charge of forcible assault.

"It was awful, I mean, one minute I'm chillin'(sic) on a plate next to the grill and this perv picks me up and...(sobs)..it's just so humiliating." The sandwich requested that his name be withheld from this article. "I've got a wife and kids. What would my daughter say?"

Somerset was "taking a semester off" from SUNY New Paltz, working at his father's office supply store. This is far from his first offense in inanimate object sexual violations. Last spring he was cited for making his little brother's GI Joe figurines perform a '69' on each other and in November of 2001 his father came home early from work to find his son attempting to penetrate couch cushions for sexual pleasure. The latter offence earned him two weeks of shameful looks from his parents.

Lockout Enters 6th Month

Basic PBJ

Negotiations between peanut butter and jelly were called off once again this afternoon, sending the PB&J lockout into its 6th month. At odds over the proper ratio of PB to J, both sides have been on lockout since September 1st, the day their previous contract expired.

The latest breakdown prompts both children and parents to openly ask if there will be any PB&J sandwiches at all this year. With the school year halfway gone, the hopes for a reduced sandwich season, working straight through Easter vacation, are quickly dwindling.

“At this rate, we probably won’t see PB&J back in the lunchroom until the 05-06 year.” said Lana Ambrose, local lunchlady. “It’s definitely hard on the kids. Especially the poor ones.”

Many parents are facing difficult choices in preparing their child’s brown bag lunches. “It’s hard. There only so many things you can substitute for a PB&J sandwich,” said single mother Monica DeWitt. “Jeremiah won’t eat the chicken Caesar wraps I made, or the hummus pitas. I’m down to lunch meats and you know I don’t want to see that deadbeat,” referring to her ex-husband Arnie, who works the Deli counter at Shoprite, and “who lost his good telecom job for viewing internet porn.”

Local children are feeling the pinch as well. “My mom won’t give me lunch money because I’ll trade it for Ritalin,” said Julia R, age 6. “I can’t be trusted. But mommy says the first step is to admit that I have a problem.” Julia’s mother has been giving her daughter Lender’s frozen onion bagels instead of sandwiches this year. “It usually thaws by lunch time. Usually.”

Sixth grader Will Higgins opened his lunch bag to see his mother had given him bologna and cheese, again. “What the F*#@? I told her I hate bologna.” Higgins proceeded to throw his bologna sandwich at the nearest unpopular girl, claiming that he would get his father to “straighten out” his mother later. “She knows I’m having a bad year. First the pube thing, then Ron Artest getting f*$&*@ by the league like that, I’m stressed the f*#@ out. I need a cigarette.”

The situation will continue to worsen until a neutral third party can be brought in to mediate discussions. Fluffernutter has been mentioned, but critics point to Fluff’s past relationship with peanut butter as proof of being “too partisan.” When will peanut butter get back with jelly? Parents and children are hoping for sooner rather than later.

Neither spread could be contacted for comment on this article.

Umm, yeah.

squalor.

This photo is disturbing for many reasons, not the least of which is the giant fish on the floor behind the peanut-butter-smothered-baby.

Missy + Matt's neighborhood

Missy + Matt's neighborhood

Happened to be in your 'hood the other day. I kept going. You obviously made a left.

The Ring 2

The Ring 2

Anyone else catch the sneak preview for The Ring 2? The movie is shit.

Do you hear that?

Curious Native

Tsunami relief from the Tachikara company viewed as cryptic message from the angry water gods.

A Name!

He has a name. Sixteen seasons...and his name is Jeff Albertson. I don't think he really needed a name.

One more great Simpson's sports moment

92. Bart tells Homer that "a good dad wouldn't miss his son's Little League games!" And Homer replies, "I told you -- I find them boring!"

Simpson's Sports moments again---

18. Drederick Tatum: Spanning multiple episodes, this caricature of Mike Tyson is the main recurring athlete character on the show. Managed by a Don King knockoff named Lucius Sweet, Tatum's history truly is a checkered one.

Grew up in Springfield, later learning how to fight in the notorious projects of Capital City.

Honed his skills while serving time for aggravated assault and manslaughter in Springfield Prison.

Although he liked Homer, Dedrick Tatum threatened to "make orphans of his children."
Has fathered several children, with different mothers.

Won a boxing gold medal in 1984 Olympics.

After becoming heavyweight champion, informs Kent Brockman in a candid interview that Springfield "is a dump. If you ever see me back there, you'll know I really (bleep)ed up bad."

Was the token black panelist at the Miss American Girl Pageant.

While sitting in his cell, quells a prison riot simply by telling everyone "hey, come on guys, just shut up."

First comeback fight (after spending five years in prison) is "Tatum-Watson 2: The Bout to Knock the Other Guy Out." Tatum reclaims his title.

Featured on the cover of "Millionaire Boxing" magazine, with the story "Drederick Tatum: Why Such Rage?"

Is temporarily incarcerated for pushing his mother down the stairs (which if he could "turn back the clock on my mother's stair-pushing, I would certainly ... reconsider it").

Another comeback fight from jail is against Homer, dubbed "Payback." "Society put away Drederick Tatum for his brutal crime. But he's paid his debt, and now, he's going to get revenge ... on Homer Simpson."

In a press conference, Tatum describes Homer "as a good man, but I'm definitely going make orphans of his children." When a reporter reminds the champ that Homer is married and his kids have a mother, Tatum replies "Yes, but I would imagine she would die of grief."

Is part of a group representing the purity of morals in Las Vegas when Homer and Ned try to ditch their quickie brides; physically throws Ned and Homer across the state line.

During a statue dedication, tells us that "Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children."

Is part of a group representing the purity of morals in Las Vegas when Homer and Ned try to ditch their quickie brides; physically throws Ned and Homer across the state line.

During a statue dedication, tells us that "Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children."

Simpson's Sports moments---

5. Lisa on Ice: Lisa is forced to join a pee-wee hockey league to avoid failing P.E., and her concept of such leagues is dead-on: "You mean those leagues where parents push their kids into vicious competition to compensate for their own failed dreams of glory?" But when she finds out she's a world-class goalie, even she buys into the hype.

Homer rewards sports achievement by letting Bart sit in the front seat, and when he offers that seat to Lisa after a good game, she says "it's wrong to reward violent competitive behavior" and will only sit up front if it's a fatherly gesture of love. Homer agrees, but after Lisa gets in, he screams "Sucker! Competitive violence, that's why you're here!"

You soon have a brother-sister rivalry, culminating in a showdown between Bart's team (The Mighty Pigs, coached by Chief Wiggum) and Lisa's team (The Kwik-E-Mart Gougers, coached by Apu). When Bart lines up for a penalty shot against Lisa in a tie game with four seconds left, the two embrace at center ice and settle for the tie rather than succumb to the town's taste for blood. Homer's sad realization? "They're both losers. Losers!"

Day 2

The team isn't forming as quickly as I had previously hoped. Did I overstimate the group's potential?

Welcome!

You did it. You journeyed up the treacherous Oregon Trail, surviving Injuns and typhoid and dysentery. Excellent.