Where is Uncle Jessie?

As you can see, the open casting call for Dukes of Hazzard didn't go so well.

What?

They're real.

Fill in the Blank!

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"The flowers do nothing for the burning, asshole. And I'm telling your wife about the __________"

Dakota Fanning Turns 11; Enters "Hollywood Substance Abuse" Phase Of Life

Where is Pauly Shore?

Warning: Being A Raver Will Destroy Any Fashion Sense You Might Have

Do You Want A Back Rub?

House music is a gateway drug. Don't let this happen to someone you love. Just say no to Ravers.

The More You Know

Pizza Pie Resents Comparisons To Your Cousin Leland's Face

Why Can't I Just Be Me?
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Ronald McDonald's Half Sister Found Alive!

Not Lovin' It

Ten years after being abducted by the Hamburglar, Rhona McDonald, pictured here, came out of hiding to tell her harrowing tale of torture and abuse.

"He snatched me right out of my bed, with my parents sleeping in the next room. He locked me in a spare room and only fed me Burger King fish sandwiches. It was awful."

Ms. McDonald also implicated the Fry Guys and Grimace as conspirators in the plot. "They would come over and laugh at me, rolling all over the apartment. And Grimace, that fat fuck traitor...he was the worst."

After escaping her captors in 2002, Rhona went into hiding, fearful of retribution.

Asked about the allegations, the Hamburglar said "Lies. All lies. She came to me. We were in love. Robble-robble."

Editors note: If you like this story, I highly suggest checking out this link: HERE

Ageless Debate Sparks Brawl

Chubby Bunny!

Police and paramedics were called to quell a violent brawl at Hoister's Chinese Buffet in Clarence, NY on Monday night. Friends Derrick Winterbottom, left, and Harris Delmonico began debating which animal is the world's hungriest shortly after 7:20 pm said restaurant employees.

"The hippo is obviously the hungriest," claimed Delmonico. "Who hasn't heard of the hungry hungry hippos?"

Winterbottom was quick to maintain that the wolf is hungriest, asking "Why else would Duran Duran immortalize it in such a great fucking song? If Simon LeBont is going to be hungry, it sure as hell wouldn't be like a less hungry animal. He goes right to the top."

Like a virus, the loud debate spread quickly through the crowded restaurant. Nobody is sure exactly what started the brawl, but Winterbottom believes it was ignited by a handful of crab legs thrown in someone's face.

"And then there were eggrolls flying, and chairs going through windows, and friends beating each other with plastic trays. It was badass."

Breasts Stolen Between 3rd and 4th Period

The Victim

According to police, a pair of breasts were stolen from an 18 year old Clarence High School student yesterday afternoon. Trisha Flawson, shown here, went to school officials shortly after her 4th period French class to report the theft.

"I know I had them in European History because Landon Sulick kept staring, which totally creeped me out. But halfway through the past participle in French, I realized they were gone."

The breasts, described by ex-boyfriend Jon Lutz as a nice C-cup with good curve and "cute" nipples, are still unaccounted for.

Flawson posted several flyers with a picture of the missing breasts in the school cafeteria, but those have been reported stolen as well.

Area Man Almost Ready To Take Over The Earth

"Beg for my mercy!"

Local resident Jeff Alberston, pictured here, claims to be in the final stages of preparation for his global dominance initiative. Before striking out on his detailed map to "super villainy", Alberston has a few loose ends to tie up.

"I gave my notice to Wegmans yesterday, so that leaves 12 more days before I squash you puny Earthlings like the scum that you are," said Alberston. "Which is good, because I promised my mother that I'd trim the branches overhanging her garage."

Concerning the world domination, Albertson's friends remain skeptical at best. "Jeff's always threatening to disintegrate me or something," claims Justin Buell. "But I'm still here."

Former manager Dennis LeJeune wishes the aspiring evil-doer plenty of luck, "but if it doesn't work out, you'll always have a job in my produce department."

Qaption Qontest Quatro

Caption this, please.

This should be easy. Real easy.

"This is definitely the best homeless shelter on the West Side."

Historic Sorority Vote Finds That Poor People Are Ugly

Beat the Ugly!

The Wake Forest University chapter of the Delta Zeta sorority confirmed by a 33-1-1 vote that poor people are uglier than those with money.

Although the vote was nearly unanimous, "We did lots of super scientific testing to confirm our judgement," says Chapter VP Wendy Hornsworth. "I sent the pledges to the parking deck to see who was driving either cars older than 2003 or American cars."

Junior Melanie Waddington was dispatched to the Financial Aid office for secondary proof. "It was like so gross. I had no idea how many poor people were ugly. I'm talking about generic jeans."

The lone dissenting vote came from Sophomore Beth Huddler, described by Hornsworth as, "suspect herself. She's only here for numbers and because she's a legacy and National said we had to take her or else we'd be disqualified from Derby Days." The abstained vote was for Valerie Burns, who is 'taking some time for herself' in Marseilles.

Microsoft Courts Hip Hop Word Processing Market

Word For Your Brother

"No longer will your dope rhymes be stored on discarded scraps of burlap or toilet paper," said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, addressing the crowd at the first annual Hip Hop Technology and Car Show.

Questioned about the market viability of a hip hop word processing application, Gates replied "Rap is the fastest growing music genre, so teaming it with our Office, I mean, Recording Studio Suite, is simply a no brainer." In his 35 minute presentation, Gates never mentioned that consumers would need a computer to run the application. "We make software, not computers. Not my problem."

Inside sources report that the Redmond, Washington software giant is set to release PowerPimpPoint next month at Snoop Doggy Dogg's daughter's Bat Mitzvah.

So...do you like music?

Is That A Carrot In Your Pants?

This moment of awkward sexual tension brought to you by twenty nine cans of Miller Genuine Draft, all your friends passing out in the other room, and yearning for human touch but sleeping alone for nine months.

Local Fight Club Delays Fighting, Again

"I've Got The Conch"

For the 17th Saturday in a row, Perry's Fight Club, inspired by the Edward Norton/Brad Pitt movie of the same name, postponed fighting until the next week. Originally founded with 19 members, only six remain.

"Some of the guys were so pumped up about fighting that they weren't willing to put the effort into doing it right the first time," said founder Perry Danville. "I'm of the opinion that without the proper planning, this could end up being a free for all, and someone could get hurt."

Ex-member Steve Santa-Maria was one of the first to go. "They spent five weeks just writing and editing the rules. What the fuck? The rules were right in the movie. Week six was canceled because Perry had promised to take his kid snowboarding. Week seven they wanted to hold elections for officers. I couldn't take it anymore."

Halfway through week 7, Santa-Maria allegedly picked up Treasurer-Elect Rudy DiCosimo and delivered upwards of ten punches to the face before being restrained by other members. Attendance decreased sharply after the incident.

"We can't allow that kind of violence here, not in this Fight Club," said Perry.

Below is a breakdown of the club's activities to date, according to the meeting minutes recorded by Secretary Chuck Fairlawn.

Weeks 1-5: Drafting Club constitution.
Week 6: Cancelled.
Week 7: Elections, ended early due to a fight breaking out.
Weeks 8-9: Reviewing disupted election results.
Weeks 9-10: Cleaning Perry's basement.
Week 11: Car wash fundraiser at Rt 35 Denny's.
Week 12: Helping Perry's wife hang curtain rods.
Weeks 13-15: Re-drafting of Club consitution.
Week 16: Watching Fight Club movie for ideas.
Week 17: Discussion of printing costs for club t-shirts.

Caption Contest 3

Giddyup!

You all suck! Caption Contest 1 went fairly well, but part deux bombed. The funniest comment was from some random guy. I'll leave part deux open for another day or two, but in the meantime, let's get going on 3! It has some potential.

"Seabiscuit's personal hell."

Happy Holiday!

My Flag

I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I think I like it. That's right, it's Flag Day again.

Here is my flag. And these colors don't run...because it's monochrome.

Livin' On a Prayer....

Jersey Girls T-Shirt .

The greatest t-shirt ever. DiGaudio knows what I'm talking about.

I might be in dutch with the wife after this one...

Speak Up, White Devil

Black Power!

This is my first writing since the untimely death, nay suicide, of a great author, Hunter S Thompson. It is high time that I remount the keyboard and get back to doing what I do best...highlight reel dunks over Joe Boyd! Okay, maybe that's a lie. But this is important.

I'm sick of white people feeling the need to whisper when they say something that could be construed as bigoted. For example, "The demographic composition of Buffalo's East Side is largely black." By whispering black, they feel that they are being sensitive to the racial problems in our nation. If you have the moxie to say it, then say the whole damn thing out loud.

Or what about: "We saw a lot of gays in Key West." No shit. You make it sound like you spotted a bald eagle nesting in your walk-in-closet. I realize that the average suburban white paranoid would have a harder time knowing if there was a homosexual in their company than an African-American. So bringing down their volume on the "sensitive" word makes them feel slightly safer, yet announces to the world that they are completely scared of modern diversity.

Lastly, I would have a better understanding (not sympathy) if the "sensitive" word in question was truly offensive, like the N-Bomb or coloreds or rump-stuffers. It's best to avoid these terms altogether, yet if you must, quietly is better than loudly. If you have the ignorance to speak like this in public, you deserve the grisly death at the hands of an angry mob that's coming after you. Peace.

We Have A Winner

To The Victor

Congratulations to Mr. Tony Splagola for winning the first caption contest. Scroll down if you don't remember. I'm not repeating it here. I'm just not.

Anyways, Tony won by a narrow margin, even though he forgot to cast a vote. Here is your prize
----------------->
A wonderful Chicken Parm from Areola's Eye-talian restaurant on Transit Rd in Depew.

You Will Be Missed

Bad news. Very bad news. Hunter S Thompson shot himself earlier tonight. The Good Doctor has gone and left us to struggle ahead without his insane guidance. I've read almost all of his work and he is one of the stronger influences on my own writing. Reading his "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" for the first time is like seeing a movie with a great ending; you'll only remember the first impression. "The Rum Diaries" is a fantastically underrated novel. And "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail: 72" is quite long, but worth the read for the many priceless observations which came from one of the most influential presidential campaigns in modern history.
Good luck Dr. Thompson. Earth was never ready for you; lets see if the afterlife is.

Cupid On Record Setting Bender

Like Johnny Depp In A Hotel Room

Every year, Cupid takes the week after Valentines Day to unwind and de-stress. This year, friends say, he is on a Courtney Love type bender and hasn't let off the gas since Tuesday morning.

"He came home, crashed for a few hours, then at like ten in the morning, he was at the kitchen table blowing rails off of a Captain Crunch box," said roommate The Tooth Fairy. "Last year we went out and got hammered the night after, but that was just one night."

The hardcore partying hasn't stopped since. "Booze, coke, pot, Darvocet, meth, and some shrooms," reported the annoyed Fairy. "And I don't know what happened after I went to work. He brought home a few girls, which is really easy for him, and they were still screaming and yelling when I got back this morning. I work nights, goddammit. Every night. Not this 'I work really hard one day a year shit'. Cupid, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny: they can all blow me."

As of Friday morning, Cupid has been awake just over 72 hours. Concerned friends urged him to at least take a nap, but Cupid only replied with "You don't know me," repeated several hundred times.

Caption Contest Part Deux

"Your Witty Remark Here"

The winner for the first contest will be announced after tallying the votes. The field was small, so everyone has a good chance.

On to the next caption contest. I'll start:

"You can rent this here piece of heaven for just $1800 a month, plus parking. Welcome to New Jersey."

Clown Part 1

Creepy

Please don't. Seriously, back up. Back up more. Where's my gun?

Target Reaches Market Saturation

Bullseye!

After opening the 240th Target Department store in the Netherlands, pictured here, the retailing giant achieved total market saturation in the Northern-European nation.

Wal-Mart, the universally acknowledged "greatest retailer in the galaxy" and "right hand of Satan himself" announced plans to purchase every star that shines over Europe and slipcover them with their Smiley-Face logo.

K-Mart was too busy wallowing in the feces of its mismanagement to comment.